My stupid self is saying stay in bed and avoid it because you can't work out how you feel.
Fuck that.
I'm going to pull my ass out of bed at 12. Get showered, dressed, play some music and feel the fresh ice air on the way to Liverpool Street Station. I haven't bothered writing anything this week for today, even though I suggested I may last week. I've got a battle going on with how much personal writing I really want to make. Of course, all writing is personal, but those in the course might not realise I'm writing because it helps me deal with a lot of things. So, clearly I am avoiding being judged, a fear, I'm avoiding a fear but really I'm feeling fear by avoiding writing! Div.
I'm also craving something I shouldn't have because I'm so RUBBISH at getting things out. There have been studies where drug substances help post traumatic stress disorder for those back from army trips, to let out their experience and fears. A way to induce the trapped. I think that seems to be my issue, there is always something in my head going 'arghhhh la la la I want to get out and go rarrrrrr' but it never really gets out properly. Silly self. I do my head in. There's always some sort of mad energy in me which is quite indescribable and awesome and kind of inhibiting too. It's almost like your brain doesn't ever shut up and everything you see there is a process where your brain connects and registers and updates you on everything whether it's a memory, an acknowledgement or counting particular objects. Just fast fast fast all the time. I think for me, that's why music and dancing, well they don't mellow it out, they just sync with it and it all makes sense. It's like a POW and done. I'm complete. It's what writing feels too and I've not had this feeling about anything ever in my whole life. An inhibitor making sense. Tooshay.
