'I... Think... I... Can... I Thought I could'

I can already feel it. I feel like the train from Dumbo:

[climbing a hill] I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I... Think... I... Can... I [goes down the other side] Thought I could. I thought I could. I thought I could. Woo-hoo!

I've strived, I've climbed, I've got there- and now I feel the steady thump (contradiction?!) back down.

I. am. so. tired. of. depression.

Just when you think you're getting better, it only takes one day or pangs of thoughts in an hour for you to get back to 'oh shit, fuck, where the hell am I and what is going on?'

In person, I hide it well. Too well. Way too well, and now that has become my own fault, an inhibitor, as such. So what do I do, stay in bed like the evil slump I can be and squalor in misery? Or, carry on (as I've always been told to do)?! At least I've seen the start of a new beginning, I'm just pissed off that a new beginning-something positive, is the trigger for everything to kick back in again and feel helpless and lost.

So bored. so so bored. so angry. fed up. annoyed. and tired of being me.

It's not even like anything is wrong! (well except the dead mum of course). Is that the ultimate trigger?

What is bi polar like? Would it be easier to cope with months of good, and then bad, instead of weeks of bad bad bad one week good then more bad bad bad?... how long for, will I have to take tablets? how long for, is this forever? Is mental illness always going to be a social taboo? Will people always assume you're crazy? Will you forever be distrusted? 

Am I always going to be this tired, this restless, this distracted, this spaced out and distant and cold and warm and so intensely happy for ten minutes, or five, or when i'm on my own? Is the alone, forever?

This time is different. I know all the reasons why I'm not happy. And that part makes me laugh. HA HA. Clearly frustrated, and left feeling trapped after a lovely weekend. Strange, right? A great weekend and I feel trapped. Because it was good? Because good is the unknown compared to struggle, yet everyday is a struggle regardless because that is what depression is. Desire to fix. desire to control. desire to have everything in place. So what now, change? To mix things up a little more.

Just. Fuck.

I'm trying not to run away.