By the way

Stripped childhood

dead parents. two. dead. that's it. The unconditional is gone, that from birth unconditional. the love that's there when a lesson isn't to be taught, it's not about elders or wisdom or learning or bringing up. It is just about love.

thing is, you can hide away. you can bawl. I pretend, and hide, and show a bit, and don't let you in-that much. others are the priority and this screen is a place. funny you know what you have, had, once it's gone. Not so funny though, it's sad, and rubbish, and shit. You will never get it back, ever. It's gone. dead. finished. no going back now. gone.

people don't last forever and I can't go back, so i live in memory. on my todd

and how do we create now? us. others if they let us. so much energy has to be put into something. at present, sleep, and then go all over again. whats different about tomorrow will be different from today. constant constant thought allllllllllllllllllllllllllllll theeeeeeeeeeeeeee tiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeee. enjoying squalor because nothing else matters but to feel the pain process and the weight. the constant look at that observe this hear things pick up on that reminder, see those colours take me back there move forward back up down left right spin sit still. switch off? seems impossible. it's all buzz buzz buzz it's never quiet. I don't know what quiet is. it's always scream.

what do I want to admit?

Leave my body

Yellow walls

alone. I hate it. We are all alone but I hate feeling really alone. I'll make a friend with Tracey. I'll learn from other tales. I'll make my own too from puzzles and patterns I shape. Dot dot dab dab click click tap tap. There must be something else. There is something else I just don't know if that wonder is also wanted from me. I keep ponder ponder ponder when really love must be used. For what! Prevent the linger and dance it away-but bubbles must form because if one is not lite then lights will not appear, only dark clouds. And freeze. Where's my wonder apart from me. I know me but I want to know you. Heartbreak is so heavy. Who would have thought so many tiny broken pieces weighed so much as they sit by themselves. Self. Individual. One piece scattered into scats. Drinking gin and sunbathing. You were my star ball of fire crystal diamond rock. Now I just have my hands empty and to what shall I grip onto now. I can't hold myself as I am me. Him? Others.

There ain't nothing empty about me because it's filled of so much. Experience. Trauma. Desires. But tasteless as they achieve nothing. As per usual the self is on the side. Fillet sag squash

Going going gone, guilt

What am I bidding for?

I feel a bit beyond trying to hide now. Because who are we if we are always trying to hide-another person? We would hate to walk away from another person, though I think it would be worst if we ended up walking away from ourselves. 

I still read Alice's blog. A young girl who hasn't turned 16 yet, however she celebrates life one month early than her due date 'just in case' she's not well, or not around then-because of her terminal cancer. I keep saying to myself things I have been taught, words I have heard but still I haven't quite learned from. How loud does a message have to be for things to finally be heard? I worry about today because then tomorrow will take care of itself. A few words a lovely friend of mine passed onto me over a year ago.

Perception is vital. If we hold guilt about things, doesn't that make it wrong? Guilt must be a sign that we know something we are doing isn't quite right, perhaps we are looking for validation from somebody to sign off our actions as OK... Of course, I'm talking about common sense here, don't steal, don't murder e.t.c are things you know not to do without having to say about in this case! Guilt in this case means associating this emotion to your behaviour. Why feel bad about something you have done, or may do/are planning to do in the future? We get ourselves into such ruts.

Some days this week have been the most anxious I've felt in a while. Quite strongly anxious and even dreams prove those thoughts are alive in my mind (not that I need dreams to prove they are there). It's just interesting what recent events do to you and how we can adapt them to ourselves. Meeting new people, what we learn from conversation. It's a constant mould mould mould to learn more about what we want, after all-life is that constant chase circle which will always be ongoing. Pick, choose, do you like this, do you like that? There will never be a time when we think, yes, all is satisfied, I have everything. I mean, it's all quick quick quick get get get have have have take take take. During this constant time it's recognising those parts in your life that you want to have and hold onto a bit more (in a non possesive kind of way!) People, objects-what makes you happy? Don't get rid of it just yet if it's something that makes you feel good, in a positive sense (not a 'life drug' kind of sense). Just don't allow certain things you think are right in your life, to mask deep down what's going on in your head. You'll end up being fucked in the future, believe me. Disguise is sexy, just not all the time.

Alice celebrates her birthday and Christmas one month on before, just in case; we hesitate to buy something we want, be around the people we love, because there are other priorities like our own being and health to think about. Whats more important? Suppressing your own desires or going with your instincts? It all depends on whether the instincts change. I've learned to go with mine a bit more now, because if we hold off with guilt of the consequence-how else are we ever going to know what makes us happy?

People advise, people question. The words they say only make sense if we are willing to accept those words. I mean, you won't agree with anything if it disagrees with how you want to live-right? If your heart tells a different story to the words you keep telling yourself in order to get by, surely something must change-a centre? Act on it. Hesitance is no guilty pleasure, just self doubt.

We're all fools

The sheets smell. The walls tell. Echos are too familiar.

We are all fools following in our trails. We always learn the hardest way. and cries for help may not have their worth anymore. we are all a mess. i'm too tired to learn, I should know by now.

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