dead parents. two. dead. that's it. The unconditional is gone, that from birth unconditional. the love that's there when a lesson isn't to be taught, it's not about elders or wisdom or learning or bringing up. It is just about love.
thing is, you can hide away. you can bawl. I pretend, and hide, and show a bit, and don't let you in-that much. others are the priority and this screen is a place. funny you know what you have, had, once it's gone. Not so funny though, it's sad, and rubbish, and shit. You will never get it back, ever. It's gone. dead. finished. no going back now. gone.
people don't last forever and I can't go back, so i live in memory. on my todd
and how do we create now? us. others if they let us. so much energy has to be put into something. at present, sleep, and then go all over again. whats different about tomorrow will be different from today. constant constant thought allllllllllllllllllllllllllllll theeeeeeeeeeeeeee tiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeee. enjoying squalor because nothing else matters but to feel the pain process and the weight. the constant look at that observe this hear things pick up on that reminder, see those colours take me back there move forward back up down left right spin sit still. switch off? seems impossible. it's all buzz buzz buzz it's never quiet. I don't know what quiet is. it's always scream.
what do I want to admit?
Anything I say here won't be of help, but I say my piece anyway. I know what you're going through and you just have to work through things in your own time. The best thing I can say is that we are all alone, but we only notice this when we run out of things to do and don't have friends around us to occupy our time. Why is this supposed to be comforting? When you realise this, then you realise everyone is in the same boat, we are all alone together.
ReplyDeleteI don't really know you Hollie, only by name through friends, but I can tell that you are a deep person who hides this depth with glitter and smiles. Life is what you make of it and if you're doing something that you don't want to do for too long, you should make a change.
Hey stephen
ReplyDeleteyou are very right, i know it's about choices and I think i'm ready to make some now, before it's too late.