Going going gone, guilt

What am I bidding for?

I feel a bit beyond trying to hide now. Because who are we if we are always trying to hide-another person? We would hate to walk away from another person, though I think it would be worst if we ended up walking away from ourselves. 

I still read Alice's blog. A young girl who hasn't turned 16 yet, however she celebrates life one month early than her due date 'just in case' she's not well, or not around then-because of her terminal cancer. I keep saying to myself things I have been taught, words I have heard but still I haven't quite learned from. How loud does a message have to be for things to finally be heard? I worry about today because then tomorrow will take care of itself. A few words a lovely friend of mine passed onto me over a year ago.

Perception is vital. If we hold guilt about things, doesn't that make it wrong? Guilt must be a sign that we know something we are doing isn't quite right, perhaps we are looking for validation from somebody to sign off our actions as OK... Of course, I'm talking about common sense here, don't steal, don't murder e.t.c are things you know not to do without having to say about in this case! Guilt in this case means associating this emotion to your behaviour. Why feel bad about something you have done, or may do/are planning to do in the future? We get ourselves into such ruts.

Some days this week have been the most anxious I've felt in a while. Quite strongly anxious and even dreams prove those thoughts are alive in my mind (not that I need dreams to prove they are there). It's just interesting what recent events do to you and how we can adapt them to ourselves. Meeting new people, what we learn from conversation. It's a constant mould mould mould to learn more about what we want, after all-life is that constant chase circle which will always be ongoing. Pick, choose, do you like this, do you like that? There will never be a time when we think, yes, all is satisfied, I have everything. I mean, it's all quick quick quick get get get have have have take take take. During this constant time it's recognising those parts in your life that you want to have and hold onto a bit more (in a non possesive kind of way!) People, objects-what makes you happy? Don't get rid of it just yet if it's something that makes you feel good, in a positive sense (not a 'life drug' kind of sense). Just don't allow certain things you think are right in your life, to mask deep down what's going on in your head. You'll end up being fucked in the future, believe me. Disguise is sexy, just not all the time.

Alice celebrates her birthday and Christmas one month on before, just in case; we hesitate to buy something we want, be around the people we love, because there are other priorities like our own being and health to think about. Whats more important? Suppressing your own desires or going with your instincts? It all depends on whether the instincts change. I've learned to go with mine a bit more now, because if we hold off with guilt of the consequence-how else are we ever going to know what makes us happy?

People advise, people question. The words they say only make sense if we are willing to accept those words. I mean, you won't agree with anything if it disagrees with how you want to live-right? If your heart tells a different story to the words you keep telling yourself in order to get by, surely something must change-a centre? Act on it. Hesitance is no guilty pleasure, just self doubt.