Dreams

Last night I must have fallen asleep by 9pm and woke by 9am.

I had the weirdest dream, it involved smoking weed with friends and being left on my own and passing out, being abroad somewhere I have no idea, water fights against germans and my mum being alive with long bright red red (proper red) hair.

I would have felt fine waking this morning if it wasn't dreaming about mum. It amazes me that we dream and feel emotions in our dreams, it tends to affect the day once we have woken. I try not to let it affect me but this one, with mum, it just felt kind of strange.

I think it's because she was alive, and in the dream, well it was so real, it was amazing she was alive. I woke around 6.30am half awake half sleep and was able to go back to sleep properly and continue the dream, I realised I was dreaming and managed to control going back. Me and mum had had an argument, strange. I'm not sure if it were meant to be my birthday, but she had bought me something and I was mad at her and then she showed me other things she had bought me and it included a chocolate cake. This made me really mad because I really don't enjoy chocolate cake that much. Most of the time. I think I was angry because I thought, if my mum doesn't know that I wouldn't want this kind of cake, then who really does know me!! I remember giving mum the silent treatment and then the next thing I know there's a scene where I look out the window, she has long red wavy hair and she must have come back from having some cancer removed. This is an obvious link because I watched junior doctors last night where a lady had some tumor removed.

It has just freaked me out that I was mad at mum. I've woken up, worried that I was mad at mum before she died, and that we could have got so stupid with each other over a bloody cake. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself now, other than lie down and try and make sense of it all. But that's not going to solve anything. I think i'll take myself outside now and decide on breakfast. At least that will be doing something instead of lying here in bed thinking, arghh I feel weird. That's not exactly pro active.

Lets hope I don't let it get in the way of my day. Perhaps I just need to admit to myself,  even amongst life as it moves on and things are working out for me and going well, I really miss mum.