Seeing as I'm too numb to cry, you could say it's being in shock, I will write and blast my head with music. I love my headphones, they are like ear muffs and I love how my hair goes behind them as it's longer now.
I forgot what this nervous was, though It's not as bad as it has been, today. I find it strange this notion that If I move or do anything out of the 'safe place' I feel like something will change and something bad will happen and there's this desire to find an answer to find something right, to find some sort of comfort. The comfort for now will just be me. It's what I know. I'm making sure I don't mess things up because the bad is what I'm used to, and sometimes we just cling for the familiar.
Today I put on a pair of jeans and they felt lighter, there were less squidge pushed up than usual. I've managed to loose weight by not running at all. It's amazing what less stress does to your body, my stomach happier and body not producing stress chemicals around my waist.
I think I'm going to have to learn to not think too far ahead, because it seems that is the vast hole which I shudder. This arghhhhh shit feeling I have about not having enough time, or loosing out on opportunities. The best advice I still have had is to not think. I need to make things more simple and as my Doctor says 'just relax'. Today, I need to spend less time thinking 'why do I feel like this, whyyyyy?!?!!! what am I feeeellinngggggg!???' when really it is quite simple. I feel loss.
Last night I felt quite restless. I had planned and lived out my television evening. Though once complete, well I always find a couple of hours sit down and chilling will be enough for me to get back up again and consider going back out. It's a strange fun fight against lack of energy and desire for life. I know i'm looking for a certain release I only get by sweating and dancing a night off to techno, bottles of water, icy vodka and gin and tonics. That time will come soon. I've got plenty to look forward to next week as I'm finally moving into a different flat, with someone I know and love. A space to feel like a home, clean, a new area to explore and new friends to make. I can't wait to cook more. Things will get better now, they already have. It's very hard to move on and accept what is now, compared to then as then just felt like forever doom. Now it's more about adjustment and I have to remember to let people in and reach out to them just a little bit more. It's hard to admit how you really feel.
No comments:
Post a Comment