Infatuation of learning something new

It's articles like this why I love love love Thought Catalog. Times like this, being now (why would you waste it?), get off your arse and go, do it, run around...

Here's a quote from one of my favourite films, Almost Famous:

'Who needs a "crowd?"  You're unique.  You're two years ahead of everybody.  Take those extra years and do what you want.  Go to Europe for a year!  Take a look around, see what you like!  Follow your dream! You'll still be the youngest lawyer in the country.  Your own great grandfather practiced law until he was 93. Your dad was so proud of you.  He knew you were a pronominally accelerated child.'

It's your adventure.

These words probably describe best where I am with mine right now. I wish I could should be writing like this:

'I think it’s why we love cities. Living in a town just big enough to be cripplingly small, I thought it would be impossible to be in one for more than five minutes without falling in love with something. And we do, for a moment. We fall in love with our strange new neighbors who make more noise as two people than your entire neighborhood did before, with the smell of cigarette smoke, with the way crusty bread feels when you tear it off at a new restaurant — all things that eventually slip into the grating or the prohibitively expensive but which are, for a few moments at a time, wonderfully infatuating.

And we see things in our cities that we hate, almost as many as we love. We keep a tally of all the ups and downs of being in this big new place, wait until the negatives spill over into every part of our life, and then we leave again. We get sucked into a lovely little daydream, standing in front of beautiful architecture and breathing in the smell of rich, warm food, where we feel that this is everything we were looking for. And then a group of obnoxious teenagers walk by, spitting and throwing their cigarettes on the ground. There is only so much a city can provide, and we can either keep moving from location to location, or we can find something new in ourselves to enjoy. A book, a hobby, a new group of friends in a brand-new bar.

We are constantly running, looking for the perfect combination of being alone and being together to make things always feel good. We might need to be in love to see things the way they’re meant to be seen, but not necessarily with a person — just as our city can’t save us, neither can being with someone simply to fill the silence. Sure, to fall in love with a person would be nice, but when you are actively searching for romantic love you’re almost destined not to find it. You can’t waste your time, your youth, your beautiful surroundings waiting for someone to validate it. I would be happy with just being in love with a good book, an opera, a philosophy I overheard in another conversation and turn around in my head until it settles like a fine dust over everything I believe.

It’s hard not to feel sometimes like you’re running around in circles, trying to distract yourself with a new partner or a trip to somewhere fresh and exciting, like you can’t ever stand still. I want the infatuation of learning something new, of discovering something about myself, the thrill of the small joys that don’t cost anything and don’t require anyone else’s presence. I want to be infatuated with myself, to feel like I am enough, and I so rarely do.

I want that falling feeling, that obsessive interest with all that’s around me, with all that I’m capable of. And most importantly, I want that infatuation to come from not where I’m standing, not from who I’m standing with, but from just how beautiful my life is on its own, from how wonderful it is to be alive, how much I am worth just by myself.'

Notting Hill night

'After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.'

Caramel bear & Brown girl

I remember queueing up for a theme park ride as a kid, and the boy in front of me said I should 'go back to my own country, go back to China'.

He was so wrong.

It's interesting how people have thought my brother had a different Dad to me- because his skin tone is so much lighter than mine.

I grew up being the more 'tanned' one, and not seeing it any different to my friends. I think it took for me to move to London a year ago, somewhere so multi-cultural (if you like that phrase), for background and skin tone to be a subject of interest and where it was pointed out in a positive way.

And even then, we still experience racial bias from our peers. I do my best to point out the ignorant assumptions- most of the time, they link with safety.

This article hits home a little, specifying in the representation of race in video media.

I don't watch enough television to comment, yet I think it shows enough impact our 'colour' plays into representing who we really are.

Such a nerd

I'm very proud of these guys to get a mention by Goldie on Annie Mac's Radio 1 show.

Well done!

(check it out around 2 mins 30 seconds)

Behind the scenes of 'Freedom'

Behind the scenes with the man who I saw on tv, when I was ten years old. Saturday night, pjs and James Bond.

It seems to be girls night, in the flat upstairs

I love how, in those moments you find the time to doubt yourself- there's always something to stumble across online, encouraging all of those empty thoughts to float away.

What interests me is that for most women, getting to know one another in person isn't always as easy- we seem to be patient with women online, and less patient in person. I think this needs to flip.

When we see ourselves in Zooey Deschanel or Lena Dunham, it’s an affirmation that the world at large is picking up on the fact that girls like us exist at all — and that our existence is meaningful, even if it doesn’t always make sense or come with clear instructions. We want to know who we are now as much as we want to know who we have the potential to become in the future, and other women who fundamentally remind us of ourselves are powerful barometers of everything that is possible. Especially when they blog daily and create popular television shows.

Which is why if there was ever a time to start a blog or a YouTube channel about your clothes, your apartment, the things that piss you off, the career you are pursuing, or what acne treatment you are using and how you are 27 and love Justin Beiber, that time is now. So many of us consider ourselves writers (and/or bloggers) because we have a need to tell our stories that goes beyond what can easily be assumed of us. We may not be snowflakes, but we are all very different. The one thing we certainly have in common is how much we enjoy learning about each other. We’re teaching each other the truth about real women, and that education is helping to eliminate a lot of the crap we learned growing up. Regardless of what you might have heard, it’s actually a really great time to be a girl.

The 20-something urban-dwelling woman is not a new experiment, but it does look and feel different than it did ten or 20 years ago. Part of that has to do with the fact that we are now telling our own stories, and can take ownership over what is being said, written, and produced about us. As much as we might feel attacked for not being the ideal upwardly-mobile young person, or for not being what the majority of society considers physically or morally acceptable for our demographic, or for blogging about our personal lives to begin with, we must remember that with every confession and truth we share about what it is like to be us, we are doing something great for girls in general. And for that, we should all be very proud.

Just remember, it may not interest the mainstream forever, and trust me — people will always make fun of you for it. But really, who cares?  They can write about us all they want, just as long as we write about ourselves more.

Freedom - Goldie's latest

Proud to present Drum and Bass artist, Goldie's new music video 'Freedom', created by Burning Reel- 3 guys impassioned by ideas and versatility- something we all like to see when so many visions out there, become stuck in their ways.



Even if you don't like the song or video, just ravish in the fact Goldie got stung by several bees-strong commitment to plot development!

Beautiful beaches shot in West Wales, talented set designs made by Cod Steaks (Bristol) and some scenes shot around Central London.

Hunger Games vs Battle Royale

FINALLY!

Confirmation that my wonderings are valid (well, of course they are valid, I thought of them and blahh blahh). I'm just glad I'm not the only person who knows about Battle Royale (amazing, I remember watching this as a teen stuffing my face with friends), then heard about Hunger Games and thought, hold on, hasn't this been done already?

T.V show, teenagers. They have to kill to survive?

Without Battle Royale, there would be no 'The Hunger Games' This is the film that started it all'

Whether it's good marketing and PR in 2012, compared to 2000-I hope The Hunger Games (i hate the trailer) doesn't become 'the new twilight' as such (and has been said to, though I can't find the article), because it would be like pissing on a classic piece of furniture, with something from Ikea.

Saw

By myself to write anything. OOmf talk about motivating...

That white stripes song comes to mind

I made a nice veggie bake last night. It had olives in it. I slept from 9pm and woke at 5.30am. Lets see how today goes and If I can change my brain. I think of my friends who suffer too, there's at least 4. We all know the crazies. I think of structure, the lack of it. I think of Saw. The film. One which shit me up to no good as a teenager. It was the puppet which ruined me, now I think it's the moral. People being punished for cutting themselves into a life of misery. John, takes their lives into his own hands, as he dies of cancer, and highlights the beauty of life by putting those into a really ugly one, all to last no more than minutes in a life or death scenario. On a exagerrated scale, it's what depression feels like-quick decisions in minutes to maintain your existance. Staring out of a bus thinking if you had the balls, what would you do with yourself today? From recent experience I feel like I should know more then anyone about life and its potential; after seeing mum fade and the worn expression on her face from time to time knowing she could see what will. Is. Left behind her. For me, it feels like there is too much time, like this. And then it feels like there isn't any time for anything whatsoever and I am at the end already like a black swarm.

I need to get better at reminding myself of what I have. I sound so ungrateful. My body feels backwards and my head is 2 metres ahead. It's what writing by hand feels like, a page infront of you with your words and your brain racing on ahead-your hand can't catch up with your thoughts.

I think my treatment has become too practical. I'm a master at avoiding to acknowledge what really is going on. I'm a master at keeping busy, or doing nothing and being a heavy weight champion trapped. I'm a master at feeling disappointed by a lack of surprise, something out of the ordinary. I know my expectations are too high and depression is pretty selfish at times. But what do I do when I have nothing, and I lay in silence having to face what exists as now. That is the scariest part.

I have my wonders in small things, which sounds contradictory to everything i've just said. But it's those small peaks which define me and my day. This little ball of fire which I carry around all the time, I can't even see it but I feel it and the weight, well... I don't want to give up, I know I don't. I need to get better at reminding myself and telling myself what is there now mum has gone. Change always triggers and I can't get her back, nothing can replace. I'll have to get better at switching off. I will get better instead of snapping at things. I will remember to breathe.

This all feels like a permanent come down. Sinkkkkkkkking, a constant back and forth where your body is telling you one thing yet your brain says another. If there was just a switch to turn it all off, well, that isn't life is it. That is not being human, we can't be robots forever on endless substance and produce. We have to get on with ourselves, it's what we are. This is all becoming a bit of a rant now and you can tell I had a whole dangerous afternoon to myself. It's all ok, it's all going to be ok. I just don't believe that, yet.

Man whore

Interesting doc, of what i've watched so far...

Ten mins in, i'll see how I feel in 50 mins

Favourites

"You think love is simple. You think the heart is like a diagram."

"Have you ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist, wrapped in blood! Go fuck yourself!"

iiiiiii Willlll Alllllwaaaayyyyssssss L...

Now I'm going to watch Moulin Rouge and probably get emotional because I am a big sap and of course it is a film all about love (my mum also used to cry at Beauty and the Beast). Moulin Rouge is a film full of desperation and determination for love, I mean, what else could anybody want except love?...

It's still hard to watch because of the song which ends up singing "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston. I used to sing, or more so shout, this line at the top of my lungs to my dad when I was a kid. I can see his face now wincing whilst holding a big smirk at the same time, sat on the sofa. It is a very hard song to hear.

Love lasts longer than desire.

Limitless life drugs

I've just watched the film 'Limitless'. To some up in one and for the purpose of this post, guy leads great life by taking a drug and suffers the consequences of it too.

A few things I'd like to point out: taking a drug to enhance life and access knowledge, a film showing the beneficiaries of taking a drug, the lack of attention to the effects of coming off a drug, and the side effects.

More importantly though I think the key area to address after watching the film is that by taking this drug 'NZT', the main character forgot a few days of his life. How can a life be worth living if you forget what you have done with it.

A night out, drunk-'I can't remember half the night', once in a while is probably something no-one can fault you for (and this I don't mean it being a monthly thing, perhaps it more so being a once in a blue moon 'out of character' act). Drugs, just don't be addicted and dependant... (I don't think anyone should get themselves into a position when a substance can inhibit short term parts of your memory) they also should never be a consistent habitual enhancement of life (but then what isn't, but surely that's a whole other subject to discuss). Either way, I think too much use of substances (of course bearing in mind the proven side effects of taking anything) can create a disillusioned way of living.

Of course, substances (alcohol and substances well known as 'drugs') were in no way created in order to escape from our daily experiences. I'm sure most things created in this world were made for a purpose and some genius discovered other potentials for them too. Perhaps I'm struggling to get my words out clearly here, to try and summarise!... What I'm trying to say is, why hide behind it?

I'd much rather live as now then on something controlling my body and my brain trying to adapt and work with or against it, instead of me knowing I am in control. It is a false way of living and there has to be a balance. An easy example; we indulge way too much with alcohol to access its 'drug' effects, yet it's something widely accepted as it has been made accessible. The self has the ability to access the limitless of life without the intake of anything.

I think substances bring on a danger of 'knowing' or seeming self assured, within that moment whilst being on that drug-but once it's gone, then what? We are left with the over kill, the hangover, the come down, the withdrawals. The facing facts. But, if by whatever stage you are at using them and you aren't addicted, we get over them just like we get over problems and trauma and anything else which kicks our ass throughout the year and blows our brains out. Too many problems create heartbreak, and if we don't get over that then perhaps we would all die, because life wouldn't be worth living in constant pain, incurable. I mean look at those people with terminal conditions, they know the true essence of life only it is too late for them. They go out there, and make the most of their day-whatever makes them happy, naturally. They get it before life has gone, but they have to because they have less time than others.

For me, so much has felt like a dead end. I've felt like I'm 80 when i'm only 22. So much has felt like, well this is it so what is there to look forward to now, and everything became a quick fix-the natural pleasures of life became a drug itself, I was escaping way too much from the truth of all things.

A helpful pure way of 'knowing' for me personally, would to be out in a swarm of music, just as me. People, crowds,  new and familiar faces amongst the looks of pure pleasure and enjoyment. Isn't that a time when you take a step back and breathe it all in. A room of happy-what else could you ask for really? I wouldn't want to take myself out from the environment and moment. We take, have, try things as an enhancement, but if life is all about enjoying ourselves and balancing our ways and things we do to allow us to enjoy ourselves (money being a massive factor) then how can we ever give ourself a chance to really know what life is if so many times we try to take ourself away from it-with indulgence of substance?

There is always going to be a time when on a high that you have to come back down, because that just is life. They didn't call it a roller coaster for nothing. Sure, there are ways we enhance life and make the most out of things, but with balance (easy example, wine over dinner). I could bet that going out for a night out, social occasion-whatever, if there was no alcohol-that would put some people off. It would make them feel at unease, because they don't have the natural buzz and their safety net has gone?... because alcohol lowers our inhibitions and puts all our worries aside?

I remembered and know now that feeling of confidence when walking felt like floating. Yes, I know I sound like I am on something-but I'm really not. Isn't this just the potential we can all access without relying on substances to create it quicker, than self creating it purely? Natural highs perhaps.

I've said before, our brain is like a maze and it would seem that drugs allow us to access certain parts of our way of thinking quicker than we possibly could by our own natural selves. Isn't that what the film Limitless is all about, remembering those moments, seconds when we heard something to remember and it stuck. If only we could remember consistently our life lessons, perhaps that perspective would access the purity of life itself, that most amazing feeling you get when something right has happened, all those times when a day brings good news, when something you had been waiting for for ages finally happens. Those positive feelings. To have accessibility to them everyday, for whatever happens in each day to still seem like no problem at all. Perhaps that is a life without stress (i know this blog has turned into a reel off)...

I could say I think, but this time I know. There is always another way around things and I know where it has all stemmed from knowing... learning, and learning the same lessons again for me personally. Maybe we shouldn't be looking for ways to bring ourselves back up, but perhaps for ways to bring ourselves down- it seems that only if you get that far down can you really access the knowledge to live by the know how of what is right for you-what makes life worth living for you.

Unfortunately, we are all human and humans make mistakes. Sometimes life lessons don't seem to be something we take too seriously to immediately gather the information from. We don't always realise until it is too late, that the answers were staring at us in the face the whole time, we just chose to ignore them. This is why we end up turning to someone for advice because when you aren't under pressure from the stress of the situation, you can see the clearer picture and the answers for someone else are all too clear. It makes life seem like a simple equation to solve, for experiences most of us would all deem just too crazy to deal with. I know the perspective is out there for us all to obtain, some get it quicker than others-that again is the whole magic of life. It is ALL about life lessons, good and bad.

What interests me are the situations we get ourselves into and those that fall into our hands. These experiences seem to encourage our minds to truly appreciate everything that we have been taught, even if it is those same life lessons repeated over time.

Rom coms

Don't help.