Saw

By myself to write anything. OOmf talk about motivating...

That white stripes song comes to mind

I made a nice veggie bake last night. It had olives in it. I slept from 9pm and woke at 5.30am. Lets see how today goes and If I can change my brain. I think of my friends who suffer too, there's at least 4. We all know the crazies. I think of structure, the lack of it. I think of Saw. The film. One which shit me up to no good as a teenager. It was the puppet which ruined me, now I think it's the moral. People being punished for cutting themselves into a life of misery. John, takes their lives into his own hands, as he dies of cancer, and highlights the beauty of life by putting those into a really ugly one, all to last no more than minutes in a life or death scenario. On a exagerrated scale, it's what depression feels like-quick decisions in minutes to maintain your existance. Staring out of a bus thinking if you had the balls, what would you do with yourself today? From recent experience I feel like I should know more then anyone about life and its potential; after seeing mum fade and the worn expression on her face from time to time knowing she could see what will. Is. Left behind her. For me, it feels like there is too much time, like this. And then it feels like there isn't any time for anything whatsoever and I am at the end already like a black swarm.

I need to get better at reminding myself of what I have. I sound so ungrateful. My body feels backwards and my head is 2 metres ahead. It's what writing by hand feels like, a page infront of you with your words and your brain racing on ahead-your hand can't catch up with your thoughts.

I think my treatment has become too practical. I'm a master at avoiding to acknowledge what really is going on. I'm a master at keeping busy, or doing nothing and being a heavy weight champion trapped. I'm a master at feeling disappointed by a lack of surprise, something out of the ordinary. I know my expectations are too high and depression is pretty selfish at times. But what do I do when I have nothing, and I lay in silence having to face what exists as now. That is the scariest part.

I have my wonders in small things, which sounds contradictory to everything i've just said. But it's those small peaks which define me and my day. This little ball of fire which I carry around all the time, I can't even see it but I feel it and the weight, well... I don't want to give up, I know I don't. I need to get better at reminding myself and telling myself what is there now mum has gone. Change always triggers and I can't get her back, nothing can replace. I'll have to get better at switching off. I will get better instead of snapping at things. I will remember to breathe.

This all feels like a permanent come down. Sinkkkkkkkking, a constant back and forth where your body is telling you one thing yet your brain says another. If there was just a switch to turn it all off, well, that isn't life is it. That is not being human, we can't be robots forever on endless substance and produce. We have to get on with ourselves, it's what we are. This is all becoming a bit of a rant now and you can tell I had a whole dangerous afternoon to myself. It's all ok, it's all going to be ok. I just don't believe that, yet.