Wednesday 30 November 2011
Stripped childhood
dead parents. two. dead. that's it. The unconditional is gone, that from birth unconditional. the love that's there when a lesson isn't to be taught, it's not about elders or wisdom or learning or bringing up. It is just about love.
thing is, you can hide away. you can bawl. I pretend, and hide, and show a bit, and don't let you in-that much. others are the priority and this screen is a place. funny you know what you have, had, once it's gone. Not so funny though, it's sad, and rubbish, and shit. You will never get it back, ever. It's gone. dead. finished. no going back now. gone.
people don't last forever and I can't go back, so i live in memory. on my todd
and how do we create now? us. others if they let us. so much energy has to be put into something. at present, sleep, and then go all over again. whats different about tomorrow will be different from today. constant constant thought allllllllllllllllllllllllllllll theeeeeeeeeeeeeee tiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeee. enjoying squalor because nothing else matters but to feel the pain process and the weight. the constant look at that observe this hear things pick up on that reminder, see those colours take me back there move forward back up down left right spin sit still. switch off? seems impossible. it's all buzz buzz buzz it's never quiet. I don't know what quiet is. it's always scream.
what do I want to admit?
thing is, you can hide away. you can bawl. I pretend, and hide, and show a bit, and don't let you in-that much. others are the priority and this screen is a place. funny you know what you have, had, once it's gone. Not so funny though, it's sad, and rubbish, and shit. You will never get it back, ever. It's gone. dead. finished. no going back now. gone.
people don't last forever and I can't go back, so i live in memory. on my todd
and how do we create now? us. others if they let us. so much energy has to be put into something. at present, sleep, and then go all over again. whats different about tomorrow will be different from today. constant constant thought allllllllllllllllllllllllllllll theeeeeeeeeeeeeee tiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeee. enjoying squalor because nothing else matters but to feel the pain process and the weight. the constant look at that observe this hear things pick up on that reminder, see those colours take me back there move forward back up down left right spin sit still. switch off? seems impossible. it's all buzz buzz buzz it's never quiet. I don't know what quiet is. it's always scream.
what do I want to admit?
Yellow walls
alone. I hate it. We are all alone but I hate feeling really alone. I'll make a friend with Tracey. I'll learn from other tales. I'll make my own too from puzzles and patterns I shape. Dot dot dab dab click click tap tap. There must be something else. There is something else I just don't know if that wonder is also wanted from me. I keep ponder ponder ponder when really love must be used. For what! Prevent the linger and dance it away-but bubbles must form because if one is not lite then lights will not appear, only dark clouds. And freeze. Where's my wonder apart from me. I know me but I want to know you. Heartbreak is so heavy. Who would have thought so many tiny broken pieces weighed so much as they sit by themselves. Self. Individual. One piece scattered into scats. Drinking gin and sunbathing. You were my star ball of fire crystal diamond rock. Now I just have my hands empty and to what shall I grip onto now. I can't hold myself as I am me. Him? Others.
There ain't nothing empty about me because it's filled of so much. Experience. Trauma. Desires. But tasteless as they achieve nothing. As per usual the self is on the side. Fillet sag squash
Sunday 27 November 2011
Going going gone, guilt
What am I bidding for?
I feel a bit beyond trying to hide now. Because who are we if we are always trying to hide-another person? We would hate to walk away from another person, though I think it would be worst if we ended up walking away from ourselves.
I still read Alice's blog. A young girl who hasn't turned 16 yet, however she celebrates life one month early than her due date 'just in case' she's not well, or not around then-because of her terminal cancer. I keep saying to myself things I have been taught, words I have heard but still I haven't quite learned from. How loud does a message have to be for things to finally be heard? I worry about today because then tomorrow will take care of itself. A few words a lovely friend of mine passed onto me over a year ago.
Perception is vital. If we hold guilt about things, doesn't that make it wrong? Guilt must be a sign that we know something we are doing isn't quite right, perhaps we are looking for validation from somebody to sign off our actions as OK... Of course, I'm talking about common sense here, don't steal, don't murder e.t.c are things you know not to do without having to say about in this case! Guilt in this case means associating this emotion to your behaviour. Why feel bad about something you have done, or may do/are planning to do in the future? We get ourselves into such ruts.
Some days this week have been the most anxious I've felt in a while. Quite strongly anxious and even dreams prove those thoughts are alive in my mind (not that I need dreams to prove they are there). It's just interesting what recent events do to you and how we can adapt them to ourselves. Meeting new people, what we learn from conversation. It's a constant mould mould mould to learn more about what we want, after all-life is that constant chase circle which will always be ongoing. Pick, choose, do you like this, do you like that? There will never be a time when we think, yes, all is satisfied, I have everything. I mean, it's all quick quick quick get get get have have have take take take. During this constant time it's recognising those parts in your life that you want to have and hold onto a bit more (in a non possesive kind of way!) People, objects-what makes you happy? Don't get rid of it just yet if it's something that makes you feel good, in a positive sense (not a 'life drug' kind of sense). Just don't allow certain things you think are right in your life, to mask deep down what's going on in your head. You'll end up being fucked in the future, believe me. Disguise is sexy, just not all the time.
Alice celebrates her birthday and Christmas one month on before, just in case; we hesitate to buy something we want, be around the people we love, because there are other priorities like our own being and health to think about. Whats more important? Suppressing your own desires or going with your instincts? It all depends on whether the instincts change. I've learned to go with mine a bit more now, because if we hold off with guilt of the consequence-how else are we ever going to know what makes us happy?
People advise, people question. The words they say only make sense if we are willing to accept those words. I mean, you won't agree with anything if it disagrees with how you want to live-right? If your heart tells a different story to the words you keep telling yourself in order to get by, surely something must change-a centre? Act on it. Hesitance is no guilty pleasure, just self doubt.
I feel a bit beyond trying to hide now. Because who are we if we are always trying to hide-another person? We would hate to walk away from another person, though I think it would be worst if we ended up walking away from ourselves.
I still read Alice's blog. A young girl who hasn't turned 16 yet, however she celebrates life one month early than her due date 'just in case' she's not well, or not around then-because of her terminal cancer. I keep saying to myself things I have been taught, words I have heard but still I haven't quite learned from. How loud does a message have to be for things to finally be heard? I worry about today because then tomorrow will take care of itself. A few words a lovely friend of mine passed onto me over a year ago.
Perception is vital. If we hold guilt about things, doesn't that make it wrong? Guilt must be a sign that we know something we are doing isn't quite right, perhaps we are looking for validation from somebody to sign off our actions as OK... Of course, I'm talking about common sense here, don't steal, don't murder e.t.c are things you know not to do without having to say about in this case! Guilt in this case means associating this emotion to your behaviour. Why feel bad about something you have done, or may do/are planning to do in the future? We get ourselves into such ruts.
Some days this week have been the most anxious I've felt in a while. Quite strongly anxious and even dreams prove those thoughts are alive in my mind (not that I need dreams to prove they are there). It's just interesting what recent events do to you and how we can adapt them to ourselves. Meeting new people, what we learn from conversation. It's a constant mould mould mould to learn more about what we want, after all-life is that constant chase circle which will always be ongoing. Pick, choose, do you like this, do you like that? There will never be a time when we think, yes, all is satisfied, I have everything. I mean, it's all quick quick quick get get get have have have take take take. During this constant time it's recognising those parts in your life that you want to have and hold onto a bit more (in a non possesive kind of way!) People, objects-what makes you happy? Don't get rid of it just yet if it's something that makes you feel good, in a positive sense (not a 'life drug' kind of sense). Just don't allow certain things you think are right in your life, to mask deep down what's going on in your head. You'll end up being fucked in the future, believe me. Disguise is sexy, just not all the time.
Alice celebrates her birthday and Christmas one month on before, just in case; we hesitate to buy something we want, be around the people we love, because there are other priorities like our own being and health to think about. Whats more important? Suppressing your own desires or going with your instincts? It all depends on whether the instincts change. I've learned to go with mine a bit more now, because if we hold off with guilt of the consequence-how else are we ever going to know what makes us happy?
People advise, people question. The words they say only make sense if we are willing to accept those words. I mean, you won't agree with anything if it disagrees with how you want to live-right? If your heart tells a different story to the words you keep telling yourself in order to get by, surely something must change-a centre? Act on it. Hesitance is no guilty pleasure, just self doubt.
Saturday 26 November 2011
We're all fools
The sheets smell. The walls tell. Echos are too familiar.
We are all fools following in our trails. We always learn the hardest way. and cries for help may not have their worth anymore. we are all a mess. i'm too tired to learn, I should know by now.
We are all fools following in our trails. We always learn the hardest way. and cries for help may not have their worth anymore. we are all a mess. i'm too tired to learn, I should know by now.
Wednesday 23 November 2011
H.A.P.P.Y
So happy when people I know who usually aren't in London, are in London, and we meet up for din dins and chat and laugh and go mmmmmmmmm and have nice food babies and then go home and feel very very lucky and wow and yay.
That is all.
I love London.
That is all.
I love London.
Itsu: I really like their food, but not the pictures
Why does Itsu's marketing look like a Linx deodrant spray advert. 'Eat Beautiful' and look like these toned slim hourglass shape women smiley and happy. Have they not heard of the variety of shapes woman can differ? No, i'm not a bitchy woman because my shape isn't there, I am hourglass shape. I just know amongst the women I have met, that if the varieties aren't represented, most feel like they aren't good enough or desired enough in society.
Even under skin, our bones are shaped how they are. No less fat will change this, it's just genetics.
Even under skin, our bones are shaped how they are. No less fat will change this, it's just genetics.
Crayon face
I've felt like a wintery bear the last couple of days balancing work and snuggling like a bear in my bed, I think yesterday I slept for 11 hours to recouperate from a silly cold, sick thing. Eww!! Colds are tedious, if you let them be tedious. I'm quite chuffed I didn't stay at home yesterday and instead pulled my ass together, refrained from throwing up over towerbridge and made it into work!
KAPOW!
It's amazing what sleep does for you! I don't usually sleep so suddenly after my head reaches the pillow, but the last couple of days...mmmm it's been good!
In turn, I made a good catch on an error at work today which went down well. The sleep paid off in other areas too :)
KAPOW!
It's amazing what sleep does for you! I don't usually sleep so suddenly after my head reaches the pillow, but the last couple of days...mmmm it's been good!
In turn, I made a good catch on an error at work today which went down well. The sleep paid off in other areas too :)
Monday 21 November 2011
The adventure is back
The adventure is back. There has been some awkward moments...ok some very frustrating moments some which seemed impossible to break through. Though, that's just it about adventure, the next one is all the more grand if the one before be gritty. The words let go have never seemed so relevant before.
The thing is, we can only teach ourselves, we have to let the lessons in to learn. I think I've learnt a lot about myself and my behaviour, and my behaviour now (even behaviour over 7 years ago!). I know I can't change anything, and my frustrations and angst in trying have been wiped away because, it just isn't down to me to make that change. It is down to them. Only, we have ourselves. We make everything what it is, like when two people look at the same object yet have completely opposite feelings about the same thing. We can only do our best, I'm not going to beat myself up anymore with wishful thinking. Some things are just out of your hands and I think the more time you spend thinking about them less, certain particulars fall into place.
We have our guards, we all do. Our guards are that we think too much, nothing is what it is unless we have our emotions attached to them. So, taking a step back is healthy. The objective can help. The advise we give to others is probably the advice we should give ourselves, it's always easier to say to someone else how to be because our emotions aren't all that attached to their problems. We learn from the learned; experience, and failings over time. Even if those failings are the same mistakes repeated. We will get back up again.
Some of my frustrations have turned into something else, I've finally accepted I can't wait for that day anymore. For change, or even a sign. We fall sick into a pattern of knowing only us and being blind by what else is out there too. In a surprising way, my loss has put things straight and it is so nice to feel quite level again. We all spin plates though we choose which direction they will turn, how many plates we carry though will always be the variable. I'm going to stop looking for answers because I finally have them, less false hope and being proved right again. In some cases, being proven wrong is nice, but we can't argue against our gut instincts. Sometimes, we just know, yet it will take that little bit longer to learn.
The thing is, we can only teach ourselves, we have to let the lessons in to learn. I think I've learnt a lot about myself and my behaviour, and my behaviour now (even behaviour over 7 years ago!). I know I can't change anything, and my frustrations and angst in trying have been wiped away because, it just isn't down to me to make that change. It is down to them. Only, we have ourselves. We make everything what it is, like when two people look at the same object yet have completely opposite feelings about the same thing. We can only do our best, I'm not going to beat myself up anymore with wishful thinking. Some things are just out of your hands and I think the more time you spend thinking about them less, certain particulars fall into place.
We have our guards, we all do. Our guards are that we think too much, nothing is what it is unless we have our emotions attached to them. So, taking a step back is healthy. The objective can help. The advise we give to others is probably the advice we should give ourselves, it's always easier to say to someone else how to be because our emotions aren't all that attached to their problems. We learn from the learned; experience, and failings over time. Even if those failings are the same mistakes repeated. We will get back up again.
Some of my frustrations have turned into something else, I've finally accepted I can't wait for that day anymore. For change, or even a sign. We fall sick into a pattern of knowing only us and being blind by what else is out there too. In a surprising way, my loss has put things straight and it is so nice to feel quite level again. We all spin plates though we choose which direction they will turn, how many plates we carry though will always be the variable. I'm going to stop looking for answers because I finally have them, less false hope and being proved right again. In some cases, being proven wrong is nice, but we can't argue against our gut instincts. Sometimes, we just know, yet it will take that little bit longer to learn.
Saturday 19 November 2011
Tuesday 15 November 2011
Happy
Smiling is great with your lips, it's even better when you smile with your eyes-and believe it.
Monday 14 November 2011
Dissociation
I think i've let go of you in a way I didn't think I could before.
There's lust and then there's love.
Love is the harder emotion, I still think the physicality of two is a lesser way to express love-all it is is giving into desire. The tasty bitch. How about expressing love with the mind and not other parts of your body? Physicality only represents, though how much is truth? People these days want evidence of love, it's something hard to see so I guess we have to believe instead.
There's lust and then there's love.
Love is the harder emotion, I still think the physicality of two is a lesser way to express love-all it is is giving into desire. The tasty bitch. How about expressing love with the mind and not other parts of your body? Physicality only represents, though how much is truth? People these days want evidence of love, it's something hard to see so I guess we have to believe instead.
Choices
I know you are tired, but you do really need to ask yourself:
What do you really want in your life, now? and what do you want to do with yourself? I know you know most of the answer.
You seem in angst, hopefully not in despair.
The oak tree and the willow, over ice
So, my friday night involved going to the opening of an ice rink Canary Wharf, London.
Myself and friend were lucky enough that our names were on the guest list, we had free drinks and access to the cabin type bar lounge which is set next to the rink. Leather chairs, wooden everything, barrels in the middle of the room to function like standing tables. It did look and feel quite nice. Great Russian ice skating display and banter along the side. My Samantha style sex and the city jokes didn't go a miss.
The night got a bit more interesting though, when we were propsed with the question of:
As conversation grew over jumpers questions and wine... Stuart was soon to announce he is a writer/producer. I'm not even sure how or why his occupation came up so quickly as we were talking, but having a film background I couldn't not be drawn in. Though, I still thought this guy was a berk. Why, well-not at one stage did he ask about the two girls he was with. His manner was less loud than some I have met, clearly trying to boost their ego and deciding what to do with their cocks- this guy seemed patient and self assured, I think in a good way.
The underlying question though, is what on earth was a guy of his age talking to two young girls in their twenties-why did he stay after looking for his bongos? Well that one is obvious, he wasn't looking for bongos otherwise he would have buggered off to find them. Should we be so skeptical about someone older than us starting conversation? I'm someone who is quite prepared to listen, and have my judgements-I think it's healthy that way instead of an instant too harsh dismissal. Also, I was interested in seeing what he had to say as opportunities like this don't come this often to chat with someone working in an industry, only a year ago I would have ran a mile to meet, just because of their job title. I think in the process of challenging this guys perseverance I might have come across a bit obnoxious in questioning most points he raised. I wasn't shocked by his documentary about the history over bras, his facts to impress females with a males knowledge in how a bra should fit correctly, and that most women don't know they are wearing the right bra size-I already knew. Whether I'm being arrogant, he just didn't grab me in the way I feel he wanted to, but he hid disappointment very well...
Over time, he left and reappeared with drinks. Fair doos, he had a conversation and decided to come back for more. I have to be honest though, it's not like his conversation was boring-I think it was just a good let out for me that night to stretch my brain into a frenzy of, how much could I piss this guy off by not being in awe of him... Perhaps it was also because earlier I noticed an even older guy walk past, glance at Stuart (in a knowing way) and have a smirk on his face-did he know what Stuart was up to?
So I was being the dick. For once, but I liked it though because he was still coming back with other points to say-my assumptions were proved wrong as such because there wasn't a moment when he didn't have anything to say, though the conversation wasn't balanced in his sincerity of getting to know two girls. All I know I wanted to do was not give him the whole 'ohh woooow' and 'that's sooo impressive' bullshit. I think he knew all I wanted was conversation, not money or anything else superficial so i'd get my kicks.
For some reason Stuart and I began to talk about life lessons, whether this led from me questioning what he wears to his film meetings (his response was, 'I go as me'). All in all I think it stemmed from him quite keenly showing how he was calm and chilled, compared to two girlies who liked to question him about particulars. It most likely came across as, what we didn't know about-he became the guru. However, when someone says that 'our winters' now are nothing compared to 'the winters you will face in years to come', in aid to shock us and make us take a step back-say that to someone who has lost both her parents and had numerous other events to cope with, you think 'please just shut the fuck up, i am not like most you meet...'. Which, he actually went onto say 'unless you have lost your nearest and dearest, winters now aren't going to be so bad as they will be later in life.' Once I'd told him I had, he did look the other way slightly. Stuart said, he wanted to be the oak, 'strong and steady' but when a massive storm brew he broke, where as now he is 'the willow tree, spread out and swaying'. I can see his point, but sometimes the way we put things (me included) you have to laugh!! We get very silly sometimes. I can't really fault him, he seemed happy and was definitely showing it through his words of 'wisdom', it was like he was on a high. I just don't think he expected to bump into someone like me that night-an exception to his rule.
Throughout the night my most interesting conversation was with a 40 year old Irish woman from Dublin who openly chatted about her sex life, lack of fertility, bitchy boss and how she see's myself and my other 20 something friend. With this lady, I had the best conversation of all that night-because she talked about what she felt and there was no instance of saying anything that she thought I wanted to hear. There was no fear to her words, only facts, experience and brutal honesty. And that was what gave me the most to think about.
Will I contact Stuart, who knows (I have his card). I know very much I certainly am not the person I was over a year ago, I'd much prefer to talk with Dublin again. And, I could not delve into the crooked world of seeming interested in someone to get guest list events, free drinks or nice dinners. As exciting as it may be, I prefer people not professions.
Myself and friend were lucky enough that our names were on the guest list, we had free drinks and access to the cabin type bar lounge which is set next to the rink. Leather chairs, wooden everything, barrels in the middle of the room to function like standing tables. It did look and feel quite nice. Great Russian ice skating display and banter along the side. My Samantha style sex and the city jokes didn't go a miss.
The night got a bit more interesting though, when we were propsed with the question of:
"excuse me ladies, have you by any chance seen my mini bongo drums?..."Now if that isn't a line I don't know what is, I wished I had seen this middle aged guy before he came over, just to see he had wooed the room with his question to others. Of course, we had not seen his drums. The more interesting part was this guys jumper, a v neck sleeveless knitted top you see guys wear over shirts. His was a mint green with random tiny flowers over it-something which only certain people can pull off, I'd say this guy pulled it off because his overall look wasn't impressive anyways (wow i'm harsh...) so the jumper was lost.
As conversation grew over jumpers questions and wine... Stuart was soon to announce he is a writer/producer. I'm not even sure how or why his occupation came up so quickly as we were talking, but having a film background I couldn't not be drawn in. Though, I still thought this guy was a berk. Why, well-not at one stage did he ask about the two girls he was with. His manner was less loud than some I have met, clearly trying to boost their ego and deciding what to do with their cocks- this guy seemed patient and self assured, I think in a good way.
The underlying question though, is what on earth was a guy of his age talking to two young girls in their twenties-why did he stay after looking for his bongos? Well that one is obvious, he wasn't looking for bongos otherwise he would have buggered off to find them. Should we be so skeptical about someone older than us starting conversation? I'm someone who is quite prepared to listen, and have my judgements-I think it's healthy that way instead of an instant too harsh dismissal. Also, I was interested in seeing what he had to say as opportunities like this don't come this often to chat with someone working in an industry, only a year ago I would have ran a mile to meet, just because of their job title. I think in the process of challenging this guys perseverance I might have come across a bit obnoxious in questioning most points he raised. I wasn't shocked by his documentary about the history over bras, his facts to impress females with a males knowledge in how a bra should fit correctly, and that most women don't know they are wearing the right bra size-I already knew. Whether I'm being arrogant, he just didn't grab me in the way I feel he wanted to, but he hid disappointment very well...
Over time, he left and reappeared with drinks. Fair doos, he had a conversation and decided to come back for more. I have to be honest though, it's not like his conversation was boring-I think it was just a good let out for me that night to stretch my brain into a frenzy of, how much could I piss this guy off by not being in awe of him... Perhaps it was also because earlier I noticed an even older guy walk past, glance at Stuart (in a knowing way) and have a smirk on his face-did he know what Stuart was up to?
So I was being the dick. For once, but I liked it though because he was still coming back with other points to say-my assumptions were proved wrong as such because there wasn't a moment when he didn't have anything to say, though the conversation wasn't balanced in his sincerity of getting to know two girls. All I know I wanted to do was not give him the whole 'ohh woooow' and 'that's sooo impressive' bullshit. I think he knew all I wanted was conversation, not money or anything else superficial so i'd get my kicks.
For some reason Stuart and I began to talk about life lessons, whether this led from me questioning what he wears to his film meetings (his response was, 'I go as me'). All in all I think it stemmed from him quite keenly showing how he was calm and chilled, compared to two girlies who liked to question him about particulars. It most likely came across as, what we didn't know about-he became the guru. However, when someone says that 'our winters' now are nothing compared to 'the winters you will face in years to come', in aid to shock us and make us take a step back-say that to someone who has lost both her parents and had numerous other events to cope with, you think 'please just shut the fuck up, i am not like most you meet...'. Which, he actually went onto say 'unless you have lost your nearest and dearest, winters now aren't going to be so bad as they will be later in life.' Once I'd told him I had, he did look the other way slightly. Stuart said, he wanted to be the oak, 'strong and steady' but when a massive storm brew he broke, where as now he is 'the willow tree, spread out and swaying'. I can see his point, but sometimes the way we put things (me included) you have to laugh!! We get very silly sometimes. I can't really fault him, he seemed happy and was definitely showing it through his words of 'wisdom', it was like he was on a high. I just don't think he expected to bump into someone like me that night-an exception to his rule.
Throughout the night my most interesting conversation was with a 40 year old Irish woman from Dublin who openly chatted about her sex life, lack of fertility, bitchy boss and how she see's myself and my other 20 something friend. With this lady, I had the best conversation of all that night-because she talked about what she felt and there was no instance of saying anything that she thought I wanted to hear. There was no fear to her words, only facts, experience and brutal honesty. And that was what gave me the most to think about.
Will I contact Stuart, who knows (I have his card). I know very much I certainly am not the person I was over a year ago, I'd much prefer to talk with Dublin again. And, I could not delve into the crooked world of seeming interested in someone to get guest list events, free drinks or nice dinners. As exciting as it may be, I prefer people not professions.
Sunday 13 November 2011
Some words I wrote today
I'd rather say:
"I’d take a taxi across town to see you for even just a minute. I'd wait outside all night even if I didn't know you would open the door in the morning. If you call me and say ‘Will you…’ my answer is ‘Yes’, before your sentence is out. I spin worlds where we could be together. I dream you. For me, imagination and desire are very close. But there is also reality..."
I'm willing to take that chance.
"I’d take a taxi across town to see you for even just a minute. I'd wait outside all night even if I didn't know you would open the door in the morning. If you call me and say ‘Will you…’ my answer is ‘Yes’, before your sentence is out. I spin worlds where we could be together. I dream you. For me, imagination and desire are very close. But there is also reality..."
I'm willing to take that chance.
Some words I read today
“While I can’t have you, I long for you. I am the kind of person who would miss a train or a plane to meet you for coffee. I’d take a taxi across town to see you for ten minutes. I’d wait outside all night if I thought you would open the door in the morning. If you call me and say ‘Will you…’ my answer is ‘Yes’, before your sentence is out. I spin worlds where we could be together. I dream you. For me, imagination and desire are very close.”
Jeanette Winterson
Saturday 12 November 2011
Interesting post coming tomorrow
my night with the writer/film producer...
'I was the oak, now I am a willow tree'...
'I was the oak, now I am a willow tree'...
Wednesday 9 November 2011
iiiiiii Willlll Alllllwaaaayyyyssssss L...
Now I'm going to watch Moulin Rouge and probably get emotional because I am a big sap and of course it is a film all about love (my mum also used to cry at Beauty and the Beast). Moulin Rouge is a film full of desperation and determination for love, I mean, what else could anybody want except love?...
It's still hard to watch because of the song which ends up singing "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston. I used to sing, or more so shout, this line at the top of my lungs to my dad when I was a kid. I can see his face now wincing whilst holding a big smirk at the same time, sat on the sofa. It is a very hard song to hear.
Love lasts longer than desire.
It's still hard to watch because of the song which ends up singing "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston. I used to sing, or more so shout, this line at the top of my lungs to my dad when I was a kid. I can see his face now wincing whilst holding a big smirk at the same time, sat on the sofa. It is a very hard song to hear.
Love lasts longer than desire.
I wish I could say
I wish I could say something good. I mean, something which makes sense, because a lot of the things we experience don't make sense for why they happen and it gets tedious sometimes.
I remember Shakespeare's words of 'Fortune turn thy wheel', as we are forever destined to experience ups and downs. Sometimes I say fuck your wheel because it isn't fair, and shouldn't have been my time then. Then I think, well I wouldn't be the person I am today because of everything that has happened and yadayadayada. I just want to take this moment to be pissed off because I feel like my mum was taken from me, too much has been taken from me and yes, I suppose sometimes people can't win. I'd rather not point out the positives of such situations because, well, it doesn't feel like it is the right step in accepting things. Can't I just be with my anger? Circles are sound but they aren't always fun round. And, I am tired of playing this game, I like my shapes miss-matched and squishy-that way things always get a bit more interesting. If your brain works in the same way all the time, you just get bored of yourself!
It's time to make sounds and shape your 'known' into something you actually like.
I remember Shakespeare's words of 'Fortune turn thy wheel', as we are forever destined to experience ups and downs. Sometimes I say fuck your wheel because it isn't fair, and shouldn't have been my time then. Then I think, well I wouldn't be the person I am today because of everything that has happened and yadayadayada. I just want to take this moment to be pissed off because I feel like my mum was taken from me, too much has been taken from me and yes, I suppose sometimes people can't win. I'd rather not point out the positives of such situations because, well, it doesn't feel like it is the right step in accepting things. Can't I just be with my anger? Circles are sound but they aren't always fun round. And, I am tired of playing this game, I like my shapes miss-matched and squishy-that way things always get a bit more interesting. If your brain works in the same way all the time, you just get bored of yourself!
It's time to make sounds and shape your 'known' into something you actually like.
Snug as a bug in a rug
Why would a bug be snug in a rug. But then I realised, bugs like rugs-eww!! That is gross.
Duh Flounce!
I'm not a bug for sure, i'm more of a cuddly curly fluffy head squidge...
Duh Flounce!
I'm not a bug for sure, i'm more of a cuddly curly fluffy head squidge...
Tuesday 8 November 2011
Monday 7 November 2011
Falling away with you
I can't believe I forgot about this song, it was always one of my favourites as a teenager. Mmmm
My usual place
It makes me smile when I'm sat here, my kitchen in Wales. Pyjamas, fluffy hair and mug half empty at my side. As the fresh cold comes through the door I flash back to November last year remembering where I was in my life, and then there is now.
This year has been mental. It has been, too much.
I listen to songs, old playlists and my brain feels like it is running up behind me, beside me and then it goes too far forward into the unknown. Though, that unknown isn't scary anymore-it's just bloody exciting!
I know what parts are missing, something to come home to. I mean, I've so desperately tried to work out the idea of getting a cat tho it is something not allowed by my landlady. Crazy cat lady holls. I think it could work... though people and pets always work together much more. I need to build but not with bricks, I need to build with charge and initiative. I'm not tired anymore, even though there are a couple of things which tighten the chest, I think I'll be able to work through them.
This year has been mental. It has been, too much.
I listen to songs, old playlists and my brain feels like it is running up behind me, beside me and then it goes too far forward into the unknown. Though, that unknown isn't scary anymore-it's just bloody exciting!
I know what parts are missing, something to come home to. I mean, I've so desperately tried to work out the idea of getting a cat tho it is something not allowed by my landlady. Crazy cat lady holls. I think it could work... though people and pets always work together much more. I need to build but not with bricks, I need to build with charge and initiative. I'm not tired anymore, even though there are a couple of things which tighten the chest, I think I'll be able to work through them.
Sunday 6 November 2011
Limitless life drugs
I've just watched the film 'Limitless'. To some up in one and for the purpose of this post, guy leads great life by taking a drug and suffers the consequences of it too.
A few things I'd like to point out: taking a drug to enhance life and access knowledge, a film showing the beneficiaries of taking a drug, the lack of attention to the effects of coming off a drug, and the side effects.
More importantly though I think the key area to address after watching the film is that by taking this drug 'NZT', the main character forgot a few days of his life. How can a life be worth living if you forget what you have done with it.
A night out, drunk-'I can't remember half the night', once in a while is probably something no-one can fault you for (and this I don't mean it being a monthly thing, perhaps it more so being a once in a blue moon 'out of character' act). Drugs, just don't be addicted and dependant... (I don't think anyone should get themselves into a position when a substance can inhibit short term parts of your memory) they also should never be a consistent habitual enhancement of life (but then what isn't, but surely that's a whole other subject to discuss). Either way, I think too much use of substances (of course bearing in mind the proven side effects of taking anything) can create a disillusioned way of living.
Of course, substances (alcohol and substances well known as 'drugs') were in no way created in order to escape from our daily experiences. I'm sure most things created in this world were made for a purpose and some genius discovered other potentials for them too. Perhaps I'm struggling to get my words out clearly here, to try and summarise!... What I'm trying to say is, why hide behind it?
I'd much rather live as now then on something controlling my body and my brain trying to adapt and work with or against it, instead of me knowing I am in control. It is a false way of living and there has to be a balance. An easy example; we indulge way too much with alcohol to access its 'drug' effects, yet it's something widely accepted as it has been made accessible. The self has the ability to access the limitless of life without the intake of anything.
I think substances bring on a danger of 'knowing' or seeming self assured, within that moment whilst being on that drug-but once it's gone, then what? We are left with the over kill, the hangover, the come down, the withdrawals. The facing facts. But, if by whatever stage you are at using them and you aren't addicted, we get over them just like we get over problems and trauma and anything else which kicks our ass throughout the year and blows our brains out. Too many problems create heartbreak, and if we don't get over that then perhaps we would all die, because life wouldn't be worth living in constant pain, incurable. I mean look at those people with terminal conditions, they know the true essence of life only it is too late for them. They go out there, and make the most of their day-whatever makes them happy, naturally. They get it before life has gone, but they have to because they have less time than others.
For me, so much has felt like a dead end. I've felt like I'm 80 when i'm only 22. So much has felt like, well this is it so what is there to look forward to now, and everything became a quick fix-the natural pleasures of life became a drug itself, I was escaping way too much from the truth of all things.
A helpful pure way of 'knowing' for me personally, would to be out in a swarm of music, just as me. People, crowds, new and familiar faces amongst the looks of pure pleasure and enjoyment. Isn't that a time when you take a step back and breathe it all in. A room of happy-what else could you ask for really? I wouldn't want to take myself out from the environment and moment. We take, have, try things as an enhancement, but if life is all about enjoying ourselves and balancing our ways and things we do to allow us to enjoy ourselves (money being a massive factor) then how can we ever give ourself a chance to really know what life is if so many times we try to take ourself away from it-with indulgence of substance?
There is always going to be a time when on a high that you have to come back down, because that just is life. They didn't call it a roller coaster for nothing. Sure, there are ways we enhance life and make the most out of things, but with balance (easy example, wine over dinner). I could bet that going out for a night out, social occasion-whatever, if there was no alcohol-that would put some people off. It would make them feel at unease, because they don't have the natural buzz and their safety net has gone?... because alcohol lowers our inhibitions and puts all our worries aside?
I remembered and know now that feeling of confidence when walking felt like floating. Yes, I know I sound like I am on something-but I'm really not. Isn't this just the potential we can all access without relying on substances to create it quicker, than self creating it purely? Natural highs perhaps.
I've said before, our brain is like a maze and it would seem that drugs allow us to access certain parts of our way of thinking quicker than we possibly could by our own natural selves. Isn't that what the film Limitless is all about, remembering those moments, seconds when we heard something to remember and it stuck. If only we could remember consistently our life lessons, perhaps that perspective would access the purity of life itself, that most amazing feeling you get when something right has happened, all those times when a day brings good news, when something you had been waiting for for ages finally happens. Those positive feelings. To have accessibility to them everyday, for whatever happens in each day to still seem like no problem at all. Perhaps that is a life without stress (i know this blog has turned into a reel off)...
I could say I think, but this time I know. There is always another way around things and I know where it has all stemmed from knowing... learning, and learning the same lessons again for me personally. Maybe we shouldn't be looking for ways to bring ourselves back up, but perhaps for ways to bring ourselves down- it seems that only if you get that far down can you really access the knowledge to live by the know how of what is right for you-what makes life worth living for you.
Unfortunately, we are all human and humans make mistakes. Sometimes life lessons don't seem to be something we take too seriously to immediately gather the information from. We don't always realise until it is too late, that the answers were staring at us in the face the whole time, we just chose to ignore them. This is why we end up turning to someone for advice because when you aren't under pressure from the stress of the situation, you can see the clearer picture and the answers for someone else are all too clear. It makes life seem like a simple equation to solve, for experiences most of us would all deem just too crazy to deal with. I know the perspective is out there for us all to obtain, some get it quicker than others-that again is the whole magic of life. It is ALL about life lessons, good and bad.
What interests me are the situations we get ourselves into and those that fall into our hands. These experiences seem to encourage our minds to truly appreciate everything that we have been taught, even if it is those same life lessons repeated over time.
A few things I'd like to point out: taking a drug to enhance life and access knowledge, a film showing the beneficiaries of taking a drug, the lack of attention to the effects of coming off a drug, and the side effects.
More importantly though I think the key area to address after watching the film is that by taking this drug 'NZT', the main character forgot a few days of his life. How can a life be worth living if you forget what you have done with it.
A night out, drunk-'I can't remember half the night', once in a while is probably something no-one can fault you for (and this I don't mean it being a monthly thing, perhaps it more so being a once in a blue moon 'out of character' act). Drugs, just don't be addicted and dependant... (I don't think anyone should get themselves into a position when a substance can inhibit short term parts of your memory) they also should never be a consistent habitual enhancement of life (but then what isn't, but surely that's a whole other subject to discuss). Either way, I think too much use of substances (of course bearing in mind the proven side effects of taking anything) can create a disillusioned way of living.
Of course, substances (alcohol and substances well known as 'drugs') were in no way created in order to escape from our daily experiences. I'm sure most things created in this world were made for a purpose and some genius discovered other potentials for them too. Perhaps I'm struggling to get my words out clearly here, to try and summarise!... What I'm trying to say is, why hide behind it?
I'd much rather live as now then on something controlling my body and my brain trying to adapt and work with or against it, instead of me knowing I am in control. It is a false way of living and there has to be a balance. An easy example; we indulge way too much with alcohol to access its 'drug' effects, yet it's something widely accepted as it has been made accessible. The self has the ability to access the limitless of life without the intake of anything.
I think substances bring on a danger of 'knowing' or seeming self assured, within that moment whilst being on that drug-but once it's gone, then what? We are left with the over kill, the hangover, the come down, the withdrawals. The facing facts. But, if by whatever stage you are at using them and you aren't addicted, we get over them just like we get over problems and trauma and anything else which kicks our ass throughout the year and blows our brains out. Too many problems create heartbreak, and if we don't get over that then perhaps we would all die, because life wouldn't be worth living in constant pain, incurable. I mean look at those people with terminal conditions, they know the true essence of life only it is too late for them. They go out there, and make the most of their day-whatever makes them happy, naturally. They get it before life has gone, but they have to because they have less time than others.
For me, so much has felt like a dead end. I've felt like I'm 80 when i'm only 22. So much has felt like, well this is it so what is there to look forward to now, and everything became a quick fix-the natural pleasures of life became a drug itself, I was escaping way too much from the truth of all things.
A helpful pure way of 'knowing' for me personally, would to be out in a swarm of music, just as me. People, crowds, new and familiar faces amongst the looks of pure pleasure and enjoyment. Isn't that a time when you take a step back and breathe it all in. A room of happy-what else could you ask for really? I wouldn't want to take myself out from the environment and moment. We take, have, try things as an enhancement, but if life is all about enjoying ourselves and balancing our ways and things we do to allow us to enjoy ourselves (money being a massive factor) then how can we ever give ourself a chance to really know what life is if so many times we try to take ourself away from it-with indulgence of substance?
There is always going to be a time when on a high that you have to come back down, because that just is life. They didn't call it a roller coaster for nothing. Sure, there are ways we enhance life and make the most out of things, but with balance (easy example, wine over dinner). I could bet that going out for a night out, social occasion-whatever, if there was no alcohol-that would put some people off. It would make them feel at unease, because they don't have the natural buzz and their safety net has gone?... because alcohol lowers our inhibitions and puts all our worries aside?
I remembered and know now that feeling of confidence when walking felt like floating. Yes, I know I sound like I am on something-but I'm really not. Isn't this just the potential we can all access without relying on substances to create it quicker, than self creating it purely? Natural highs perhaps.
I've said before, our brain is like a maze and it would seem that drugs allow us to access certain parts of our way of thinking quicker than we possibly could by our own natural selves. Isn't that what the film Limitless is all about, remembering those moments, seconds when we heard something to remember and it stuck. If only we could remember consistently our life lessons, perhaps that perspective would access the purity of life itself, that most amazing feeling you get when something right has happened, all those times when a day brings good news, when something you had been waiting for for ages finally happens. Those positive feelings. To have accessibility to them everyday, for whatever happens in each day to still seem like no problem at all. Perhaps that is a life without stress (i know this blog has turned into a reel off)...
I could say I think, but this time I know. There is always another way around things and I know where it has all stemmed from knowing... learning, and learning the same lessons again for me personally. Maybe we shouldn't be looking for ways to bring ourselves back up, but perhaps for ways to bring ourselves down- it seems that only if you get that far down can you really access the knowledge to live by the know how of what is right for you-what makes life worth living for you.
Unfortunately, we are all human and humans make mistakes. Sometimes life lessons don't seem to be something we take too seriously to immediately gather the information from. We don't always realise until it is too late, that the answers were staring at us in the face the whole time, we just chose to ignore them. This is why we end up turning to someone for advice because when you aren't under pressure from the stress of the situation, you can see the clearer picture and the answers for someone else are all too clear. It makes life seem like a simple equation to solve, for experiences most of us would all deem just too crazy to deal with. I know the perspective is out there for us all to obtain, some get it quicker than others-that again is the whole magic of life. It is ALL about life lessons, good and bad.
What interests me are the situations we get ourselves into and those that fall into our hands. These experiences seem to encourage our minds to truly appreciate everything that we have been taught, even if it is those same life lessons repeated over time.
Saturday 5 November 2011
How nude can you be?
Real love is when all your guards are down.
?
Naked, in a totally different way. EXPOSED. Shelled. Spooned.
Vulnerability or strength?
The unconditional. Realise. A loss of the hopeless. The loss of guts. Transformation of heart. Formation. Foundations. Build. Begin, again. My arms aren't lost, dissolved, nor broken ties, but waves.
411
There are no answers, only words. So perhaps I should make some of my own words to make the puzzle form easier.
I would write to make a point to people. I would write to reach out. I would write to feel closer to those not by my side. Now, all I can write for is me, and re-live my stories in tales. I can feel the beats of music and the soothe soothe soothe. I can feel my footsteps forming second sounds and second grooves in the floor. I listen to the tales of others and hear their bodies roar.
I watch and cross the bridges, and see all gleam by. I see the pathways onwards and remember which way to move. I see the movements loosen and I begin to let go. Boring heavy over, for now I am less slow.
We don't like to hear the words no.
Some albums are relentless. Some albums know how to let go. The familiar. The out there. The trouble. The bang bang bang boosh barr clanky panorama tin foil explosion of life. Sailing worlds. Islands in winds. In breeze. In stars. In men in black marbles (watch the film).
I feel sad I've lost her. I feel sad I lost you. Self journeys are hard to find, but they are there all along. Who wants to explore me? I do.
What am I watching?!...
Man v. Food greatest moments.
The irony, it is on the 'Good Food' channel...
This programme is vile. Why am I watching a fatty man feel heroic about stuffing his face with a heart attack wrapped in bread... He needs a blood test, weights and some cardio. (please note this guy isn't athlete looking either)
It's programmes like this that shock me. Why is a man being applauded for forcing food down his neck when there are so many people out there that are over weight, obese, fat-needing something encouraging to ween them off this kind of food! America is screwed by programmes like this. Britain just as much for being able to choose to watch it as well. The ideology; 'eat a mass and feel the mass of your ego with applause.'... Or perhaps, 'feel sick and feel glad you aren't the man you see on the screen.' I'm sure we all know healthier ways to add tick boxes to our list of achievements.
Also, with the mass health issues around the world, I can't believe this man disrespects his body that much by eating large amounts of unhealthy food. Could I sympathise with him if he was diagnosed with something life threatening. No chance-he has thrown his life away eating his health into a slow coma.
There are programmes like 'What not to wear', though 'Man v. Food greatest moments' should be called 'What NOT to eat' in mass consumption...
The irony, it is on the 'Good Food' channel...
This programme is vile. Why am I watching a fatty man feel heroic about stuffing his face with a heart attack wrapped in bread... He needs a blood test, weights and some cardio. (please note this guy isn't athlete looking either)
It's programmes like this that shock me. Why is a man being applauded for forcing food down his neck when there are so many people out there that are over weight, obese, fat-needing something encouraging to ween them off this kind of food! America is screwed by programmes like this. Britain just as much for being able to choose to watch it as well. The ideology; 'eat a mass and feel the mass of your ego with applause.'... Or perhaps, 'feel sick and feel glad you aren't the man you see on the screen.' I'm sure we all know healthier ways to add tick boxes to our list of achievements.
Also, with the mass health issues around the world, I can't believe this man disrespects his body that much by eating large amounts of unhealthy food. Could I sympathise with him if he was diagnosed with something life threatening. No chance-he has thrown his life away eating his health into a slow coma.
There are programmes like 'What not to wear', though 'Man v. Food greatest moments' should be called 'What NOT to eat' in mass consumption...
Hands up, barriers down
Hi my name is Hollie and I argue or 'discuss' so eventually I feel right, even though I am not right and I am merely not listening to what people are telling me.
Facing facts. We aren't all innocent. Div.
"Why do you always have to be right?!..."
"I'm not I'm just explaining myself and how I feel..."
Facing facts. We aren't all innocent. Div.
"Why do you always have to be right?!..."
"I'm not I'm just explaining myself and how I feel..."
I have been so blind. I'm sorry.
Thursday 3 November 2011
Todays antics
Today I have heard many things:
I got paid the right amount (so now I can afford to eat!), I have porcelain skin and my hair looks like an octopus!
However today I have also done many things, I ran my ass off and it was amazing. I want to run so fast I fly. I hope I keep this up. I'm bored of going down. So bored. Dowwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnn is done.
The sparks are coming back.
I got paid the right amount (so now I can afford to eat!), I have porcelain skin and my hair looks like an octopus!
However today I have also done many things, I ran my ass off and it was amazing. I want to run so fast I fly. I hope I keep this up. I'm bored of going down. So bored. Dowwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnn is done.
The sparks are coming back.
Wednesday 2 November 2011
Peanut butter and Apples
I get excited over the small things, or the simple things you could say.
So right now, being very hungry still, i took myself downstairs in my pyjamas to the kitchen and explored the cupboard.
Now, sat up in bed with curly fluffy silly hair, I have a plate of chopped apple and peanut butter to try, with a big smile on my face.
YUM!!
It's the small things that count...
So right now, being very hungry still, i took myself downstairs in my pyjamas to the kitchen and explored the cupboard.
Now, sat up in bed with curly fluffy silly hair, I have a plate of chopped apple and peanut butter to try, with a big smile on my face.
YUM!!
It's the small things that count...
relationships, involvements, commitments?
I can see why people are too scared to marry, I can see why people are ready to move in, I can see why people cheat, I can see why dating others is nice too. What is the worth of dating one and not entirely thinking of the future together, compared to taking every day as it comes-I'm not sure which one is healthier. I'd like to believe life as enjoying the time together, and making the most of everyday...
What I don't know is whether love is so blind that everyone else becomes invisible. Whether coming home to one person is the way to suit all. I mean, how do we work out what we want unless trying different relationship lifestyles? I have always found that once a part of your life is gone, you realise how much you liked it when it was there.
If someone is right for you, how do you know... Is it when every other attractive person out there is blind to our eyes? I can't fault those who recognise those who are interesting... those who personalities we admire and have a soft spot for. Yet how much of feeling attracted to other people is a sign that other needs are not being met?
I wonder, how much of a primal instinct still exists within humans to live in a society where different relationships can exist... If we let them? I'm just not sure what instinct to go with, after all humans also have to deal with jealous notions too. The monogamous kind-surely there is no way of putting it?... But when someone else you are attracted to comes along and you want to get to know them as well, what does that mean for the relationship you are involved with. Is the current person less than or the same? Or is the new love interest going to give you something which perhaps, whether consciously or subconsciously, your current involement isn't providing.
Can we really live by the ideology; some people give us one thing, and some give us another-to justify our instincts of non-monogamous involvement? After all, we have been brought up to live by 'the fittest leads to survival'...If one person provides all needs, is there a reason to look elsewhere?
Conversely, is dating several a better way of balancing those horrible break ups when you realise one or several people just aren't right for you-whether you don't meet their needs or they don't meet yours?
As we all began, with simpler needs, I wonder whether there was time for humans when less emotion was involved. It must be now that jealousy is a factor this is why if one cheats we react so badly to it-why do we feel like less if someone is interested in someone else too? I think there are healthier ways of dealing with non-monogamy, after all if all is in the open and all parties involved are ok with non-monogamy-what can go wrong?
The other side is, time management, as I like to call it. Can you truly rely on someone you love to be there for you, bearing in mind that particular night or day you really need them, he or she could be spending their time with someone else? Does their decision to split time make you feel less, or should you be happy for them regardless? For me that becomes an issue in non-monogamous relationships; if there were less parties involved, there would be more time for those you truly care for. If the love was that strong for one how could you possibly think of others-for me love is too overwhelming to even fit anybody else in my head!
If that time is not met though how much reflection can it be of less love? A busy lifestyle? You can't always run and save the lives of two or several people, but then no-one can expect you to choose. Do you sacrifice self happiness or see if there is an alternative way? People say if someone really loves you then nothing else matters, but then how can that work if more people are involved, with the involvement... You can't be two people at once.
Surely someone is always going to loose out, if choosing over love is the decision maker? Wouldn't you just have to walk away?...
Perhaps we could say perspective over time may change things, peoples decisions and peoples actions within their gut instinct in knowing what is right-for them and those they love. In this case, it isn't a case of winning, it is a pure, simple unconditional way of just knowing. If your life isn't as good without someone you care for, have the right actions and decisions been made? It is all something only we know can just be, if you can survive a life less happy then before-or moving onto another new-I think it will all happen in good time. It is our choice and our decision to make a difference and to make that change. Somehow that change will come, whether we like it or not.
What I don't know is whether love is so blind that everyone else becomes invisible. Whether coming home to one person is the way to suit all. I mean, how do we work out what we want unless trying different relationship lifestyles? I have always found that once a part of your life is gone, you realise how much you liked it when it was there.
If someone is right for you, how do you know... Is it when every other attractive person out there is blind to our eyes? I can't fault those who recognise those who are interesting... those who personalities we admire and have a soft spot for. Yet how much of feeling attracted to other people is a sign that other needs are not being met?
I wonder, how much of a primal instinct still exists within humans to live in a society where different relationships can exist... If we let them? I'm just not sure what instinct to go with, after all humans also have to deal with jealous notions too. The monogamous kind-surely there is no way of putting it?... But when someone else you are attracted to comes along and you want to get to know them as well, what does that mean for the relationship you are involved with. Is the current person less than or the same? Or is the new love interest going to give you something which perhaps, whether consciously or subconsciously, your current involement isn't providing.
Can we really live by the ideology; some people give us one thing, and some give us another-to justify our instincts of non-monogamous involvement? After all, we have been brought up to live by 'the fittest leads to survival'...If one person provides all needs, is there a reason to look elsewhere?
Conversely, is dating several a better way of balancing those horrible break ups when you realise one or several people just aren't right for you-whether you don't meet their needs or they don't meet yours?
As we all began, with simpler needs, I wonder whether there was time for humans when less emotion was involved. It must be now that jealousy is a factor this is why if one cheats we react so badly to it-why do we feel like less if someone is interested in someone else too? I think there are healthier ways of dealing with non-monogamy, after all if all is in the open and all parties involved are ok with non-monogamy-what can go wrong?
The other side is, time management, as I like to call it. Can you truly rely on someone you love to be there for you, bearing in mind that particular night or day you really need them, he or she could be spending their time with someone else? Does their decision to split time make you feel less, or should you be happy for them regardless? For me that becomes an issue in non-monogamous relationships; if there were less parties involved, there would be more time for those you truly care for. If the love was that strong for one how could you possibly think of others-for me love is too overwhelming to even fit anybody else in my head!
If that time is not met though how much reflection can it be of less love? A busy lifestyle? You can't always run and save the lives of two or several people, but then no-one can expect you to choose. Do you sacrifice self happiness or see if there is an alternative way? People say if someone really loves you then nothing else matters, but then how can that work if more people are involved, with the involvement... You can't be two people at once.
Surely someone is always going to loose out, if choosing over love is the decision maker? Wouldn't you just have to walk away?...
Perhaps we could say perspective over time may change things, peoples decisions and peoples actions within their gut instinct in knowing what is right-for them and those they love. In this case, it isn't a case of winning, it is a pure, simple unconditional way of just knowing. If your life isn't as good without someone you care for, have the right actions and decisions been made? It is all something only we know can just be, if you can survive a life less happy then before-or moving onto another new-I think it will all happen in good time. It is our choice and our decision to make a difference and to make that change. Somehow that change will come, whether we like it or not.
Tuesday 1 November 2011
Weekend happenings
Completely written in the wrong order of posts, but I think the quote for the last three days consists as:
" I feel like I have the world in a ball in my hands but I don't know what to do with it "
Answers in green
A little bit more made sense today, and there are certain things I shouldn't be looking for answers for now. They are what they are, and it is a choice. I'm making it a choice-the world is out there for me to enjoy, and I am ready to join it.
There are no right answers now, only choices.
There are no right answers now, only choices.
Thoughts of the day
Are sob stories the only way to kick us back into gear?
We worry and fret over useless issues, some of which people would tell us to 'get over' and prioritise the true hardities. I refuse to have more of a 'shitty' life. Living in fear-I'm so bored of it.
We worry and fret over useless issues, some of which people would tell us to 'get over' and prioritise the true hardities. I refuse to have more of a 'shitty' life. Living in fear-I'm so bored of it.
I did not like my dream
Drug arrests. 7 years gone for special people.
Dreams really do affect your day, 'It was not real it was not real'...
I thought i'd had enough of fear!!!
Dreams really do affect your day, 'It was not real it was not real'...
I thought i'd had enough of fear!!!
Do break ups remind us of who we really are?
In reflection over time, I wonder when relationships come to an end, how any individual feels after. I mean, we look back over what was and what is...
As a result of a break up, do they remind us all of who we really are? Perhaps the anticipation before a break up is our minds wondering who we are, who we really are without the other person-do we like ourselves just as self, without the other person? I hope relationships aren't just a cover of our insecurities, but willing to love. When someone we are involved with helps us so closely with particular issues, is it common for self to feel stronger once that support has gone-when you have chosen for it to go? People can't all become drugs. Who knows if that relationship was more so about a self development process instead of pure love. Just love. Were those two people taking a journey together ever OK with themselves?
In taking a step back and looking at just 'us', just one person for once and seeing clearly who we are too. The naked truth, our bare personalities only there in front of the mirror for one to judge. Us. Yourself. If we don't like ourselves, who will? So in ending a relationship, how much of that decision also connects to re-establishing ourselves and knowing we are OK with self too?
I hear many stories in feeling lonely after or feeling like one can finally do what they want to do. So why did they ever stay? Amongst all the good times shared with someone else, parallel to the insecurities reflected by both individuals-how much of that is truth, was the relationship a false being?
If life is all about growing, knowing and learning as well- I'm sure there is never a point in which we know we will be OK (and comfortable with self), as there will be forever change and new challenges before us. New insecurities are always possible. If ending a relationship gives us more self confidence and less fear whilst connecting with someone else-I hope this doesn't taint all future establishments. Relationships can't be all about holding you here for one moment, and not the next when it all gets too scary in loosing who you are, in forgetting who you are too-surely that's going to be a constant variable, inevitable until those insecurities change, whether they lessen or are dealt with. Otherwise, we are all doomed. If you are going to be there, you have to be there. No question.
People are drugs. But it is when you know you truly miss them, for them, their character, their waves, when you know it is love. Truth love. That is no drug, just a pure natural feeling. Break ups or breaks from people in general shouldn't be a test, hopefully we all would just know...
As a result of a break up, do they remind us all of who we really are? Perhaps the anticipation before a break up is our minds wondering who we are, who we really are without the other person-do we like ourselves just as self, without the other person? I hope relationships aren't just a cover of our insecurities, but willing to love. When someone we are involved with helps us so closely with particular issues, is it common for self to feel stronger once that support has gone-when you have chosen for it to go? People can't all become drugs. Who knows if that relationship was more so about a self development process instead of pure love. Just love. Were those two people taking a journey together ever OK with themselves?
In taking a step back and looking at just 'us', just one person for once and seeing clearly who we are too. The naked truth, our bare personalities only there in front of the mirror for one to judge. Us. Yourself. If we don't like ourselves, who will? So in ending a relationship, how much of that decision also connects to re-establishing ourselves and knowing we are OK with self too?
I hear many stories in feeling lonely after or feeling like one can finally do what they want to do. So why did they ever stay? Amongst all the good times shared with someone else, parallel to the insecurities reflected by both individuals-how much of that is truth, was the relationship a false being?
If life is all about growing, knowing and learning as well- I'm sure there is never a point in which we know we will be OK (and comfortable with self), as there will be forever change and new challenges before us. New insecurities are always possible. If ending a relationship gives us more self confidence and less fear whilst connecting with someone else-I hope this doesn't taint all future establishments. Relationships can't be all about holding you here for one moment, and not the next when it all gets too scary in loosing who you are, in forgetting who you are too-surely that's going to be a constant variable, inevitable until those insecurities change, whether they lessen or are dealt with. Otherwise, we are all doomed. If you are going to be there, you have to be there. No question.
People are drugs. But it is when you know you truly miss them, for them, their character, their waves, when you know it is love. Truth love. That is no drug, just a pure natural feeling. Break ups or breaks from people in general shouldn't be a test, hopefully we all would just know...
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