Tea whore

Today I am tired. Quite tired. That kind of tired when your neck and shoulders slump like a lanky teenager. And because I have a pretty healthy diet, sugar seems to effect me energy wise quicker than most. All that slow burning carbs stuff- bollox.

PB and J pitta- holla at my mouth.

Dentist in two weeks- I'm sure I'll need a filling...

ANYWAYS

New blog coming soon...

Insomnia blurb

If you're curious.

Fat fetishes and anti cancer methods

I don't know what I'm more livid at, paranoid people suffering to be healthy, or developing a career out of obesity!...

I've been watching Channel four's 'My Big Fat Fetish', where woman gain weight on purpose to fulfill mans fantasy as well as their own body image preferences. I'm shocked, curious at how many stretch marks they have and also slightly in awe at how they appreciate their bodies just the way they are- something which most slim woman deprive themselves of daily.

I feel angry and confused when I hear their thoughts on their size. I think about all the articles I read on nutritional ways to be healthy, many of which are written by people who are avoiding cancer again or fighting cancer- that scary disease which seems to be the new aids or bird flu. How can so many people make positive life choices to avoid health scares when there are individuals out there throwing their health away for fried chicken?

The opposition,  are those seeking fat have a healthier mental health rate than those prioritising the right food choices, vitamins and exercise? I wonder who is less stressed and pressurised.

Addictions and self control

The things we do to 'get back on track'...

Addictions form a paper-thin protective layer between you and the world around you. They enable you, however briefly, to cope, to feel normal, to just freaking deal the way everyone else around you manages to do without chemical or edible assistance. “It is the thing you believe is keeping you safe, alive, contained,” writes Hornbacher of her eating disorder. “And in the end of course, you find it is doing quite the opposite.” Never do I feel more paradoxically invincible than when I am demolishing the entire contents of my refrigerator (the Great Uncooked-Brownie-Batter-Pickles-and-Kidney-Beans binge of 2007 was particularly memorable) and washing it down with a bottle of Bacardi. The blackouts on the bathroom floor, the half-remembered ambulance rides, the shaking hands of a palsied eighty-year-old, the muscles crying out in anguish at years of abuse, the brain set loose upon itself in a devouring fit of madness — all these seem inconsequential, for in the moment the combined effects of solid and liquid courage (in a caged match, I could probably triumph over the Bacardi but not the brownie batter) seems your own personal Armor of Achilles: impenetrable. You are Okay. You are untouchable. You can almost hear the “Super Mario Brothers” invincibility-star theme song playing in your head as you rip up the back of your throat with your fingernails.

If you’re so Okay, then why are you crying?

I said in the moment. These are important words to the addict. All we know is the moment. All we operate in is the moment. Addiction can practically be defined as short-term satisfaction with long-term consequences. The idea that one can act opposite to one’s emotions is utterly foreign to the eating-disordered/alcoholic/addict brain. So on this, my second full day without purging or drinking, I have discovered that half the battle is conquering the moment. We — not just addicts, but people in general — are creatures of many and fickle emotions. The jeans that fit me perfectly well yesterday, even when I know damn well they fit me perfectly well yesterday, absolutely categorically do not fit me today because fat is oozing out of my every pore and oh my god I am beginning to bear a striking resemblance to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAIN AND I AM GOING TO DIE ALONE WITH CATS LISTENING TO MY NEXT TO NORMAL SOUNDTRACK.

This is all probably not true. In fact, I will go out on a limb here and say it is almost definitely not true. The empirical evidence would suggest otherwise. I am (a) probably not going to die alone — people won’t even leave me the hell alone even when I want them to — and (b) am five-feet-seven-and-three-quarters-inches and 108 pounds, so probably do not markedly resemble the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, the Pillsbury Doughboy, the Jolly Green Giant, or any other brand representative of legendarily mammoth (or green) proportions. I have in fact gained weight the last several weeks (up from 100), but I still have a BMI of 16-point-something (well below underweight), and on my trip to New York a week ago I zipped into a size 00 at the Gap with room to spare. (In other words, the smallest adult size they make for human people.) So from a rational standpoint, it’s not only an egregious overstatement to say I’ve gotten fat, it’s beyond f-cking absurd. I know that. I do. I KNOW that. I am smart and self-aware enough to recognize that after I eat 450 calories (my entire breakfast, including a Mountain Dew Amp, this morning), I feel sick as hell and am going to be pacing in a frenetic panic for the next several hours. But once those several hours have passed and I’ve digested and forgotten about (okay, not forgotten about — never forgotten about) the Greek yogurt or whatever the hell it was that was causing me such existential angst, I WILL BE OKAY.

I just can’t trust the workings of my own head in the moment, or operate on my own feelings. And when you’ve grown up heeding Polonius’s bullsh-t advice of “to thine own self be true”, what do you do when the one person you can’t trust is — yourself?

OCD

I think my job has encouraged this side of me to come out.

We need order!

One of the worst things is if you offer a spoon of something (usually food, yogurt or dessert e.t.c.) to someone (likely bf or gf) to try, and they don't eat the spoon clean! I don't want your mouth leftovers!

Tricks are for all of us

Some nice tips to help improve the day, your life. Feel awesommmmme!

1. Wash your hands and face, and brush your teeth. – The simple act of cleaning these parts of your body is both reinvigorating and relaxing, and gives you that ‘fresh start’ feeling.
   
2. Change your socks for refreshment. – It’s an odd trick, but it works.  Bring a change of socks to work, and change your socks midway through the day.  You’ll be amazed at how much fresher you’ll feel.  This trick is especially handy on days with lots of walking.
   
3. Call a close friend. – Sometimes a quick conversation with someone you care about is just what you need to boost your mood. Am trying to do this more instead of hiding away!
   
4. Stretch. – When you feel yourself getting stressed, get up, reach toward the sky, bend down and touch your toes, twist your torso from side to side – stretch it out. Whether it's in the work toilets or just as I wake up in the morning, this tip is gooood.
   
5. Go outdoors. – Getting some fresh air outdoors is always a good way to rouse your senses and clear your mind. Even if it's just popping out for milk or a cheeky kit kat in your lunch break (get out of the office!)
   
6. Take a light exercise break. – Do a few sets of jumping jacks to get your blood moving, or take a walk.  Even the slightest bit of exercise can reduce momentary stress and re-energize your mind.  (Read The 4-Hour Body.) Walking to M&S Moorgate to get weekly bananas, nose at shoes and stare at some over priced fruit.
   
   
   
7. Dress to feel your best. – When we know we are looking our best, we naturally feel better. Am trying to do this more everyday instead of leaving the house thinking 'this outfit will do'.
   
8. Listen to your favorite music. – If it’s not too much of a distraction, listening to your favorite upbeat music can be a great way to boost your spirits. ALWAYS!!! I couldn't live without music.
   
9. Watch or read something that inspires you. – Sometimes all you need is a little pep talk.  Watch a motivational video or read something that inspires you. Blogs blogs blogs!
   
10. Have a good laugh. – Watch a funny video clip or read your favorite comic strip.  A good chuckle will stimulate your mind, giving you a renewed sense of optimism. Scanning through old and recent photos :)
    
11. Take a few really deep, controlled breaths. – Deep breathing helps reduce stress, a source of fatigue, and increases the level of oxygen in the blood.  Techniques can be as simple as inhaling for five seconds, holding your breath for four seconds and exhaling for four seconds.  You can also try more elaborate techniques which require different positions.
    
12. Clear your stuffed nose. – If allergies have your sinuses blocked, you may be feeling more tired and cranky.  Rinse your nasal passages with saline solution.
    
13. Cook a tasty meal. – Even if you are by yourself, preparing a tasty dinner, setting the table, and treating yourself to a wonderful culinary experience will lift your spirits.  Sharing it with someone you love or respect will make it even more nurturing. Eating for pleasure and not for comfort.
    
14. Walk away from energy vampires. – Energy vampires are people who always have something to complain about, or a problem that needs to be fixed, and they’ll drain your energy by making you listen to them about their problems or by giving them attention.
    
15. Complete an important piece of unfinished business. – Today is a perfect day to finish what you started.  Few feelings are more satisfying than the one you get after an old burden has been lifted off of your shoulders.  (Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)
    
16. Work on something that’s meaningful to you. – Engage yourself in a meaningful personal project.  Or pull the trigger on doing something you’ve wanted to do for a long time, but haven’t yet had the resolve to do.
    
17. Assist someone in need. – In life, you get what you put in.  When you make a positive impact in someone else’s life, you also make a positive impact in your own life.  Do something that’s greater than you, something that helps someone else to be happy or to suffer less.  I promise, it will be an extremely rewarding experience.
    
18. Think about your latest (or greatest) success. – Think about it for at least sixty seconds.  Taking in your success as often as possible will help you reach it again and again.  Quite simply, it reminds you that if you’ve done it before, you can do it again.
    
19. Act like today is already an awesome day. – Do so, and it will be.  Research shows that although we think that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act.  A great attitude always leads to great experiences.
    
20. Notice what’s right. – Everything that happens in life is neither good nor bad.  It just depends on your perspective.  And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should.  Either you succeed or you learn something.  So stay positive, appreciate the pleasant outcomes, and learn from the rest.  (Read How Full Is Your Bucket?)
    
21. Take a moment to acknowledge how far you’ve come.

Note for today, note for tomorrow

Shin splint getting better

Trying

Because ironically, depression is not a solipsistic disease; it is not a self-inflicted gunshot but, rather, a bomb detonated in the middle of a family function or, in my case, a very quiet explosion as I read my second set of vows, as I wondered if it was happening again, as I knew everyone in the room was about to be wiped out by my disease — they just didn’t know it at the time...

Post-major-depression trauma resulting in chronic a-holery. I’m certain I’ve discovered a new wrinkle to the treatment of depression. Because after the storm subsides, after the wolves slink away sated and ready for sleep, after the antidepressants circulate in my blood, blunting the blows, it’s a challenge to look outward again, to remember that it isn’t all about you, to again understand the connection between all people. But I try. I try.

Drippy problem

Homemade peanut butter, this has just solved my dilemma buying shop bought 'i'm filled with other things you don't need' peanut butter.

Wahoo!

Trusting men's sperm

No sane woman would trust a man to take a contraceptive, they can't even remember to put the loo seat down.

Control your womb!

Rare buy

£2 deal on Honey nut cornflakes.

Last min breakfast grab today- they taste like pure sugar! A honey AND brown sugar recipe- what are we, bees?

pleh pleh pleh

They should grow in jars

and jars only.

urghh

Toned

I LOVE feeling toned and awesome and fit again!

I like to wake up in the morning and look at my abs, I know it's slightly, errrm, self obsessed... could you say?! But I'm proud to have kept my running going for a month now- I've been saying I'd run longer routes like this for over a year!

Anyways, here are some mildy embarrassing shots of me as I was in my first running week- clearly took these on a case of endorphin rush!

 "ohh yeahh, I'm like soooo gonna run..."

Post run, sweaty and looking a bit greeb...ha!

One of the best parts of running is that I get to tie my hair up like a pineapple so it can flop about in the wind!

Strange you could say, but it's nice posting these pics knowing I've toned up a bit more since and my stamina really has improved. Over the last year I've gone up by a stone, down a stone, up by 8 pounds, down 5 more. I think my body became tired with my inconsistent eating patterns, all endured by the comfort eating monster stuck in my head and I LOVE food, it's hard to find something I don't like!

I think it's important that exercise shouldn't always be associated with weight loss, and that toning could be a healthier word to associate. I've lost a couple of pounds and in the first two weeks I cut out obvious sugars- bars of chocolate, cake, biscuits e.t.c because I have the Hines sweet tooth and it felt like a good challenge. The thing is, there was never a point when I wasn't eating, I ate all the time- just it was healthy stuff! I'm so sick of reading about cereal diets and dieting and being so hungry "alll the time". Clearly you aren't doing it right if you are hungry all the time, you are just starving your body! As a result and by instinct the body will just retain onto all the fat (it might be something to do with insulin levels why, and then in the long run eventually burn off healthy muscle instead) NOT good.

Ok so rant over... if you have that part of you to pinch which makes you unhappy, just think TONING.

and if you need a little healthy inspiration check out these blogs as well:

http://ohsheglows.com/
http://www.edibleperspective.com/
http://www.fitfoodiefinds.com/   (the one who introduced me to overnight oats mmmmm) !

enjoy!

Kind'a cute

Don't lie, we all do it. It's like a third person.

I read this and thought of all the souls I'm missing out there. Read that as you wish.


'Talk to your Soul.

That’s right, just talk to It.

Start asking your Soul questions. You can simply say, “Hi, Soul. What’s your name?” And wait for your answer to come to you intuitively. It may not come to you immediately, but it will come to you, alright.

You can say, “Hey Soul, I need some assistance here. Can you please help me figure this out?” Your help will be on the way, I guarantee it.

You might also say, “I don’t know how to do this, Soul! Will you please do this for me?” Sometimes you can just put things right into your Soul’s capable hands. I do it all the time!

Your Soul is God. It’s a piece of God within you. When you connect with your Soul, there’s a heck of a lot of power that comes along with that.

Guess what else? Your Soul actually wants to connect with you. It wants to be known! It wants you to talk to it and ask it for help. It very much wants to be a part of your life.

And here’s the bonus (at least it was for me): Your Soul is not going to hold you to a strict meditation practice in order to be in a relationship with you. You can be a non-meditator and also be completely soulful.

Try this and see for yourself. It’s utterly mind-blowing, really. Once you get hooked, you’ll never turn back.

As for all those other health benefits you might miss out on by not meditating? Well, for that, I’m relying on green juice.'

You have cancer, but can't have the right treatment

This makes me SO angry- people can't be restricted to treatment types based on the location they live!

It's disgusting.

Social 'rules'

1. Talking openly about therapy and anti-depressants.

Because of movies and TV and Woody Allen and my inherent assumption that everyone is as miserable as I am, for a long time I didn’t even know that therapy had a stigma. Most of America is on pills and it’s my belief that even the sanest person could benefit from a check-in with a shrink.

I don’t understand the big deal in admitting that you’re a little groggy because you’re switching up your psych meds. I don’t understand the big deal in quoting something your therapist said — and citing her — if it’s relevant to the conversation. It took me six months to catch on that the eye-blinking, stilted reactions I got from people when I casually referred to therapy as though it were a nail appointment was because it is a thing that other people think is an intimate and momentous admission. To me, dealing with head sickness is not so different from dealing with body sickness. We’re all a little scewed up in our own ways, just like we all have our own little ailments of poor circulation or back pain. So why don’t we talk about it the way we talk about Zicam and Advil? To me, chill openness about being in therapy or on meds reveals not craziness, but a mature interest in self-improvement, and even better, a bold declaration of a lack of shame. At least, that’s what my therapist told me.

I see these so often (and probably guilty of some of them myself)

“I should not eat that sandwich. That sandwich has bread. Bread has carbs. Carbs are the Judas of the food world; They will surely betray me.

EAT THAT GOD DAMN SANDWICH. I totally acknowledge that we all want to feel good about ourselves, but listen: find an exercise you like, do it, then eat ALL OF THE PIZZA at 3 in the morning. There is something so pathetically sad about living life in fear of food. (You end up spending more time fussing and thinking about food, instead of getting out there and enjoying other things!)

“I shouldn’t text him first, right? No way, I’m not gonna text him first. I mean, if he wants to see me, he should text me. Right?”

Sometimes right, but often wrong. Instances in which this is correct: you’ve texted him three times in the past two days and have gotten no response. You don’t remember his face and have him logged into your phone as “Guy mEt at PiananOs bar.” You don’t actually give a crap about him but are in need of something to do.

If none of these are true, grab the man-bull by the dating-horns and TEXT HIM. I see so many girls remain single because neither them nor the guy they want to date is willing to make the first (miniscule, harmless, “hey what are you doing tonight?”) move. (and it is SO painful to watch!!! and wasteful!!!) Take heed: you may have accidentally found yourselves on another direct path to pets and yogurt. 

I NEED TO GET THESE THOUGHTS OUT OF MY BRAIN!!!

Good yummy thoughts :)

plans plans plans and fuck yous, to all things emotional *insert rolling eyes face*

Even if plans involve sticking BBQ sticks in your hair!

I have decided

Bollox to this.

I thank thee, sprout, for his patience towards his nutcase girlfriend!