Saturday 31 March 2012
Friday 30 March 2012
Wednesday 28 March 2012
Philosophy
Philosophy- the cure for depression.
Philosophers- are and were the depressed?
"I think you just have to say to yourself, fuck it, if people can't handle it, that's their problem. You still get people who belittle you for talking about depression etc, or who pity you. But so what. What are they doing with their lives?...
Since I've started speaking and writing about my experience of mental illness, a lot of my friends have quietly told me about their experience of depression, or panic attacks, or anxiety, and asked for a recommendation for a therapist or a good self-help book. Their emotional problems can be really scary experiences for them - just as it was for me when I was 18. But I hope it's slightly less scary if such experiences have been somewhat normalised, become more part of our general conversation, if the shame and terror around them has been slightly reduced, and if they know examples of people who have come through such experiences and not been permanently damaged...
He sees social anxiety as an illness of liberalism, without wishing away the society that goes with it. "I would say not that I'm recovered, but recovering," he says. "We're all socially anxious."
It's stuff like this which is helpful for everyone to read over, especially when you have those 'freaking out' days, you end up beating yourself down over.
Philosophers- are and were the depressed?
"I think you just have to say to yourself, fuck it, if people can't handle it, that's their problem. You still get people who belittle you for talking about depression etc, or who pity you. But so what. What are they doing with their lives?...
Since I've started speaking and writing about my experience of mental illness, a lot of my friends have quietly told me about their experience of depression, or panic attacks, or anxiety, and asked for a recommendation for a therapist or a good self-help book. Their emotional problems can be really scary experiences for them - just as it was for me when I was 18. But I hope it's slightly less scary if such experiences have been somewhat normalised, become more part of our general conversation, if the shame and terror around them has been slightly reduced, and if they know examples of people who have come through such experiences and not been permanently damaged...
He sees social anxiety as an illness of liberalism, without wishing away the society that goes with it. "I would say not that I'm recovered, but recovering," he says. "We're all socially anxious."
It's stuff like this which is helpful for everyone to read over, especially when you have those 'freaking out' days, you end up beating yourself down over.
Personal messages
I received a kind message, through facebook the other day. A person complimented my blog, the words which stay with me are:
'I'm sure it brings other people sanity knowing they're not the only one thinking these things'.
So, thank you! It's words like that which are some of the best motivational pieces to receive. Also, I think it just shows that more can be done towards 'safe' places and sactuaries for those that experience mental health and stressful times.
Plus, I hold back so much still when I write. Perhaps it's the kick up the arse to reveal even more. The courage comes from you.
'I'm sure it brings other people sanity knowing they're not the only one thinking these things'.
So, thank you! It's words like that which are some of the best motivational pieces to receive. Also, I think it just shows that more can be done towards 'safe' places and sactuaries for those that experience mental health and stressful times.
Plus, I hold back so much still when I write. Perhaps it's the kick up the arse to reveal even more. The courage comes from you.
Busy and bullshit
'The fact that you could spend over two days running around with your friends acting foolish, only coming home to change and maybe catch five hours of sleep, is proof that you’re still young. We forget that there will be a point when that will end, when we will have someone else to answer to. Don’t take these kinds of weekends for granted.
On Saturday morning, wake up to a text inviting you to brunch with many of the friends you spent Friday night with. Even though you only got five hours of sleep and feel like hell, you’re running on adrenaline so you go. You leave your apartment and meet them for food and conversation and maybe drinks I guess, who knows, do whatever you feel like. The meal lasts for hours and when you step outside to leave, the sun makes you wince and you realize it’s already almost 4 o’clock. You vaguely recall having stuff to do but you’re not ready to ruin the buzz of the weekend, so you split off with a best friend and go to the park. Lay in the sun, feel your bones become jelly, eat a popsicle. Define leisure. Listen to music and creep on all the babes. Then feel the sun start to go down and begin to pack up.
Make your way to your friend’s apartment to cook dinner. Put your feet out the window and lay in their bed. Contemplate going home after you eat because you need sleep but ultimately decide against it. You know the second you get to your apartment, which will somehow already feel foreign to you, you’ll just start to feel lonely and wish you were still riding the wave of the weekend. Stay out...
the weekend is more about celebrating your friendships and yourself. They’re about detaching yourself from your anxieties and feeling a sense of togetherness. They’re about letting go and being the lovely mess you deserve to be.' (I love that part!)
Aww. So true and funny and queasy American hype.
But it's lovely to read over. Possibly my new favourite writer and website.
On Saturday morning, wake up to a text inviting you to brunch with many of the friends you spent Friday night with. Even though you only got five hours of sleep and feel like hell, you’re running on adrenaline so you go. You leave your apartment and meet them for food and conversation and maybe drinks I guess, who knows, do whatever you feel like. The meal lasts for hours and when you step outside to leave, the sun makes you wince and you realize it’s already almost 4 o’clock. You vaguely recall having stuff to do but you’re not ready to ruin the buzz of the weekend, so you split off with a best friend and go to the park. Lay in the sun, feel your bones become jelly, eat a popsicle. Define leisure. Listen to music and creep on all the babes. Then feel the sun start to go down and begin to pack up.
Make your way to your friend’s apartment to cook dinner. Put your feet out the window and lay in their bed. Contemplate going home after you eat because you need sleep but ultimately decide against it. You know the second you get to your apartment, which will somehow already feel foreign to you, you’ll just start to feel lonely and wish you were still riding the wave of the weekend. Stay out...
the weekend is more about celebrating your friendships and yourself. They’re about detaching yourself from your anxieties and feeling a sense of togetherness. They’re about letting go and being the lovely mess you deserve to be.' (I love that part!)
Aww. So true and funny and queasy American hype.
But it's lovely to read over. Possibly my new favourite writer and website.
"Everything turns to dust"
'They make changes. They stop taking those pills, clutching those drinks, and start deleting those numbers in their phone that might as well be daggers. They take responsibility for themselves.
We can’t blame something on a lack of self-awareness. We’re all aware, which makes it that much harder when we see ourselves making the same mistakes. We often wonder why we do the things we do. But we already know why. Knowing and doing are two different things though...
in the end, I just don’t care enough to make changes. You can’t force yourself to care. You need to reach a point where you DO care which can take a long time.
Being a broken mess is a blast at 19 but once you’re old enough to know better and start to make those necessary changes, returning to that state will feel awful. That’s something to actually mourn. There’s a certain kind of beauty with being reckless with your body and mind. Closing the chapter on that and actively becoming the person you’re going to be feels great but it’s also a tad bittersweet. Sometimes you want to go back to being the person you were before all the bad stuff happened, but you know that’s impossible. So you just bid adieu to that time and look towards your future. (FYI, it looks super bright.)'
Tuesday 27 March 2012
Sunday 25 March 2012
Sticky face
I can't sleep. Waheeyyyy!!! I should get a prize for this, I'm amongst a zillion others in the world who also can't sleep tonight.
Depending on the prize, at least that would make insomnia fun.
...
I've spoken about this before- to the professionals, and more often than none, the advice is the same:
1. Keep busy.
2. Don't lie in the dark thinking 'for fucks sake I should be asleep and blahh blahh rarr rarr ahhhhh'.
3. Don't eat.
4. Don't exercise.
5. Get off your ass and don't get back in bed until you are super dooper tired again.
OK.
Here's my version.
1. Countlessly tell yourself that you should be asleep, all is fine in the world and those weird things you see at night are probably your brain cells or retinas moving around when you eyes are closed.
2. Don't eat.
3. Drink lots of water.
4. Think about the people you could happily text silly things to, but don't.
5. Think about getting up out of bed, but don't (I'm sure I'll fall asleep in a minute...), except when needing to pee.
Just so you know- if you realllly need the extra establishment... that version never helps. It usually incurs waking up feeling hungover, angry and sick of your tired panda face. The following day usually feels like this:
1. Wake up, screaming 'whyyyyy'
2. Get ready- hot shower a must
3. Shout at everything that goes wrong, or at things you drop on the floor because your hands are shaking
4. Eat your entire body shape in food quantity, drink copious amounts of caffeine to survive the day
5. Feel sorry for yourself, and tell people who give you three of their seconds to hear about it- usually the ones who make 'poor you, but I don't really give a shit' expressions, and then walk off (I'm sure we are all guilty of it- can we blame us?!)
The day is then, at risk of ending in the same vicious circle- because you have had stupid amounts of food and caffeine to survive the day, to avoid that lovely sleepy fuzzy feeling. Symptoms of this incur in a head drop, most commuters witness on the AM train- neck jolts and swivels, when you thought that closing your eyes for 'just a second' wouldn't do any harm. I usually get sleepy all day, until around 5-6pm when I should be winding down, but no- I tend to start waking up again.
Here are some new rules I tried out last November, and they did help.
1. No caffeine after 12pm (so only 1-2 cups per day).
2. Eat light in the evenings (no food baby inducing carb fest).
3. Make sure everything you have to do, is done by 6-7pm (depends if you work regular shifts or not).
4. Exercise- the earlier in the day, the better- even if it's toning moves to pull in front of a mirror.
5. Avoid watching TV/listening to music to 'wind down'. Sometimes it's good to read, e.t.c. in silence.
6. Make your bed a nice place to sleep. Even if it means putting a little chocolate on your pillow at night- make your bed, even if your lazy ass doesn't want to.
Routine helps. Keep at this for 1-2 weeks and stick to a regular bed time- even if you are being poked in the night for fun times, or are called for drinks after work.
STICK TO IT.
You will be a much nicer person after 1-2 weeks of sleep try outs, rather than months of cranky broken sleep patterns.
If, and I've met some, who have suffered from this for years- the most important thing to do during the day to maintain strength and a positive mind, is your food intake.
Wholewheat carbs, bananas (great for potassium!), yogurt, a balance of fruit (probs no more than 3 a day) & veg, and protein (leaner kinds or veggie alternatives). I've read that if you take a shot of espresso and snooze on the train- by the time you have made your commute, the espresso should take affect. I've read somewhere that brazil nuts and black coffee post workout, are good for a protein build- who the jeff knows where I read that (perhaps men's health) but it's worth a try. Nuts, seeds and all that jazz really do help with protein and vitamin intake; a nice way to combine them is with yogurt, oats and honey (for brekkie or a snack).
I would say eating regular is a must, little and often. Breakfast is the exception, where I personally find a big meal doesn't send me to straight to nod. Though, for later in the day, there's nothing like a fat belly full, where all the blood rushes to your stomach to digest, and leads you to nap (for the rest of the day!) and then wake up later between 6-8 pm and think 'oh shit, I should be going to bed now but I've just woken up!'
The above point reminds me, even if you are lucky to work shifts (my work days end at 3pm this week) do not fall asleep until your scheduled bed time. If you break the pattern, it's over.
I'll be up in 5 hours & 15 mins time. In all honestly I haven't got my ass out of bed yet, accept to sit on the edge- I've written instead. I think I'll walk around my room, stretch and try doze again.
Good luuuuuuuuuuuck!!!
Is something going la la la inside your head, and when you close your eyes you see whizzing shapes? If so, you've won a prize!!!
Depending on the prize, at least that would make insomnia fun.
...
I've spoken about this before- to the professionals, and more often than none, the advice is the same:
1. Keep busy.
2. Don't lie in the dark thinking 'for fucks sake I should be asleep and blahh blahh rarr rarr ahhhhh'.
3. Don't eat.
4. Don't exercise.
5. Get off your ass and don't get back in bed until you are super dooper tired again.
OK.
Here's my version.
1. Countlessly tell yourself that you should be asleep, all is fine in the world and those weird things you see at night are probably your brain cells or retinas moving around when you eyes are closed.
2. Don't eat.
3. Drink lots of water.
4. Think about the people you could happily text silly things to, but don't.
5. Think about getting up out of bed, but don't (I'm sure I'll fall asleep in a minute...), except when needing to pee.
Just so you know- if you realllly need the extra establishment... that version never helps. It usually incurs waking up feeling hungover, angry and sick of your tired panda face. The following day usually feels like this:
1. Wake up, screaming 'whyyyyy'
2. Get ready- hot shower a must
3. Shout at everything that goes wrong, or at things you drop on the floor because your hands are shaking
4. Eat your entire body shape in food quantity, drink copious amounts of caffeine to survive the day
5. Feel sorry for yourself, and tell people who give you three of their seconds to hear about it- usually the ones who make 'poor you, but I don't really give a shit' expressions, and then walk off (I'm sure we are all guilty of it- can we blame us?!)
The day is then, at risk of ending in the same vicious circle- because you have had stupid amounts of food and caffeine to survive the day, to avoid that lovely sleepy fuzzy feeling. Symptoms of this incur in a head drop, most commuters witness on the AM train- neck jolts and swivels, when you thought that closing your eyes for 'just a second' wouldn't do any harm. I usually get sleepy all day, until around 5-6pm when I should be winding down, but no- I tend to start waking up again.
Here are some new rules I tried out last November, and they did help.
1. No caffeine after 12pm (so only 1-2 cups per day).
2. Eat light in the evenings (no food baby inducing carb fest).
3. Make sure everything you have to do, is done by 6-7pm (depends if you work regular shifts or not).
4. Exercise- the earlier in the day, the better- even if it's toning moves to pull in front of a mirror.
5. Avoid watching TV/listening to music to 'wind down'. Sometimes it's good to read, e.t.c. in silence.
6. Make your bed a nice place to sleep. Even if it means putting a little chocolate on your pillow at night- make your bed, even if your lazy ass doesn't want to.
Routine helps. Keep at this for 1-2 weeks and stick to a regular bed time- even if you are being poked in the night for fun times, or are called for drinks after work.
STICK TO IT.
You will be a much nicer person after 1-2 weeks of sleep try outs, rather than months of cranky broken sleep patterns.
If, and I've met some, who have suffered from this for years- the most important thing to do during the day to maintain strength and a positive mind, is your food intake.
Wholewheat carbs, bananas (great for potassium!), yogurt, a balance of fruit (probs no more than 3 a day) & veg, and protein (leaner kinds or veggie alternatives). I've read that if you take a shot of espresso and snooze on the train- by the time you have made your commute, the espresso should take affect. I've read somewhere that brazil nuts and black coffee post workout, are good for a protein build- who the jeff knows where I read that (perhaps men's health) but it's worth a try. Nuts, seeds and all that jazz really do help with protein and vitamin intake; a nice way to combine them is with yogurt, oats and honey (for brekkie or a snack).
I would say eating regular is a must, little and often. Breakfast is the exception, where I personally find a big meal doesn't send me to straight to nod. Though, for later in the day, there's nothing like a fat belly full, where all the blood rushes to your stomach to digest, and leads you to nap (for the rest of the day!) and then wake up later between 6-8 pm and think 'oh shit, I should be going to bed now but I've just woken up!'
The above point reminds me, even if you are lucky to work shifts (my work days end at 3pm this week) do not fall asleep until your scheduled bed time. If you break the pattern, it's over.
I'll be up in 5 hours & 15 mins time. In all honestly I haven't got my ass out of bed yet, accept to sit on the edge- I've written instead. I think I'll walk around my room, stretch and try doze again.
Good luuuuuuuuuuuck!!!
Pleasure in vulnerability
I'm sure you are all asking, 'how the hell can she write all of that on here?'
I know why. Because I don't have to open my mouth, and hear my own voice admit what really goes on. I can write the words, skim them back over and be done with it. Hearing the truth, hurts.
Perhaps that's my biggest mistake, that I'm not facing the truth.
'Give the girl a break, she's just trying to have a good time'
I know why. Because I don't have to open my mouth, and hear my own voice admit what really goes on. I can write the words, skim them back over and be done with it. Hearing the truth, hurts.
Perhaps that's my biggest mistake, that I'm not facing the truth.
'Give the girl a break, she's just trying to have a good time'
'I... Think... I... Can... I Thought I could'
I can already feel it. I feel like the train from Dumbo:
I've strived, I've climbed, I've got there- and now I feel the steady thump (contradiction?!) back down.
I. am. so. tired. of. depression.
Just when you think you're getting better, it only takes one day or pangs of thoughts in an hour for you to get back to 'oh shit, fuck, where the hell am I and what is going on?'
In person, I hide it well. Too well. Way too well, and now that has become my own fault, an inhibitor, as such. So what do I do, stay in bed like the evil slump I can be and squalor in misery? Or, carry on (as I've always been told to do)?! At least I've seen the start of a new beginning, I'm just pissed off that a new beginning-something positive, is the trigger for everything to kick back in again and feel helpless and lost.
So bored. so so bored. so angry. fed up. annoyed. and tired of being me.
It's not even like anything is wrong! (well except the dead mum of course). Is that the ultimate trigger?
What is bi polar like? Would it be easier to cope with months of good, and then bad, instead of weeks of bad bad bad one week good then more bad bad bad?... how long for, will I have to take tablets? how long for, is this forever? Is mental illness always going to be a social taboo? Will people always assume you're crazy? Will you forever be distrusted?
Am I always going to be this tired, this restless, this distracted, this spaced out and distant and cold and warm and so intensely happy for ten minutes, or five, or when i'm on my own? Is the alone, forever?
This time is different. I know all the reasons why I'm not happy. And that part makes me laugh. HA HA. Clearly frustrated, and left feeling trapped after a lovely weekend. Strange, right? A great weekend and I feel trapped. Because it was good? Because good is the unknown compared to struggle, yet everyday is a struggle regardless because that is what depression is. Desire to fix. desire to control. desire to have everything in place. So what now, change? To mix things up a little more.
Just. Fuck.
I'm trying not to run away.
[climbing a hill] I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I... Think... I... Can... I [goes down the other side] Thought I could. I thought I could. I thought I could. Woo-hoo!
I've strived, I've climbed, I've got there- and now I feel the steady thump (contradiction?!) back down.
I. am. so. tired. of. depression.
Just when you think you're getting better, it only takes one day or pangs of thoughts in an hour for you to get back to 'oh shit, fuck, where the hell am I and what is going on?'
In person, I hide it well. Too well. Way too well, and now that has become my own fault, an inhibitor, as such. So what do I do, stay in bed like the evil slump I can be and squalor in misery? Or, carry on (as I've always been told to do)?! At least I've seen the start of a new beginning, I'm just pissed off that a new beginning-something positive, is the trigger for everything to kick back in again and feel helpless and lost.
So bored. so so bored. so angry. fed up. annoyed. and tired of being me.
It's not even like anything is wrong! (well except the dead mum of course). Is that the ultimate trigger?
What is bi polar like? Would it be easier to cope with months of good, and then bad, instead of weeks of bad bad bad one week good then more bad bad bad?... how long for, will I have to take tablets? how long for, is this forever? Is mental illness always going to be a social taboo? Will people always assume you're crazy? Will you forever be distrusted?
Am I always going to be this tired, this restless, this distracted, this spaced out and distant and cold and warm and so intensely happy for ten minutes, or five, or when i'm on my own? Is the alone, forever?
This time is different. I know all the reasons why I'm not happy. And that part makes me laugh. HA HA. Clearly frustrated, and left feeling trapped after a lovely weekend. Strange, right? A great weekend and I feel trapped. Because it was good? Because good is the unknown compared to struggle, yet everyday is a struggle regardless because that is what depression is. Desire to fix. desire to control. desire to have everything in place. So what now, change? To mix things up a little more.
Just. Fuck.
I'm trying not to run away.
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