Byyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I look at myself, literally I am looking at a picture of myself at 18 years with these heavy 'what do I care' eyes and all I see is change. Of course there is the obvious change, but the change i'm talking about this time is the spinning plates kind. The kind that balances everything else whilst there is still you.

I listen to songs, I think of journeys; walking to work, sucking necterines hoping I don't puke on the way and that I MUST make it into work for 10am noodle breakfasts...to hear a Ghana voice, to hear clip clop baz and hear about fairies from my angel. There were also messages from a gentlelad of youtube videos I could never access, blog posts and banter building to lunch and dinners. Emails were missing, from mum saying "hello darling how are you today?", because she was too ill to work.  I remember one day I came into work and mum had already emailed me saying good morning. That day felt good, it was like getting my mum back. That piece of my heart has gone, a chunk, I feel like I have lost my hand.

There are parts of me which feel like I can't see anymore, yet I see everything all at the same time. The awareness and blindness juxtaposition. How can you feel like you have so much and so little all at the same time? I've been told to bring people in, but it's so hard when the people you love-die. It's been a tough year. There's no point in denying it and lately i've become quite exhausted again. It's amazing what exercise does to you, endorphins are a beauty.

When I came back from my 35 min run today, I asked myself what did I think about whilst running? I think of him a lot, I pass his street and I think of her being there too. There are shadows of fear still, but at last they are passing, they have to now because I have made that conscious choice. No more, it's just me now.

Loneliness is the most choking part. Because all the while there are all of these thoughts in my head, they don't really come out, out loud. I work, I talk on the surface, I walk home-I blast music, I plan ahead allllll the time. The quickest way to get anything, constant constant constant fix. I enjoy the fix, my pace. I get restless without it. I know something is missing, and that is love. How can you give love when the person you want to love isn't there? You can love yourself, and treat yourself and make yourself feel like everything is ok. I just know I don't want to just share that with myself anymore, is anyone else willing to listen?

My mum had her life in her hands, because she didn't have much of a life left to live. In a way, you could say she had more life than ever as it became very clear how she wanted to live it. Unfortunately mum was forced into a choice, but perhaps all those choices which were blurred before became clearer. All she spoke of, was love. Love for people, love for her friends. Love for her family. Mum would have done anything for anyone. Heart of gold I have heard a lot of people say, and it's so true. My mum was a wonder, her curly hair, her laugh, her confusion and always loosing her keys. The way she never seemed to have socks and would wear flip flops in winter. Her bounce, her wiggle-how she floated in her long black coat. She had so much passion and desire, I can hear her now saying "yeah, so what!" when she wanted to do something and finding the balls to say what she really wanted, perhaps because there was minor confliction behind it. The thing is with mum, she was always right. She knew. She just knew the way, it was always like she could see through things. She through the bullshit (unless it was her bullshit), I suppose we can all do it when we are attached to things. Even so, mum saw through all the bullshit, because she always saw love.

Parents are things you should just never throw away. I don't understand how anyone could turn their back on someone when at the end of the day, there is love. I suppose that is why you turn your back though, because of love. Love for you. I hate the teenage, my parents aren't cool, thing. I'm sure it makes them feel like shit. So helpless. I hate the despair of it all.

I can't cry anymore and I keep getting headaches, it just doesn't feel safe to cry. I mean, would the crying ever stop when you think about what's happened? When you don't have parents who will look after you in that unconditional way parents give? It is never the same. There has to be a balance of trust, and that selfless part of you who lets someone be a parent to you. We take it for granted from parents, in the right way. Enjoy it whilst it's there, it is their job.

I always had a sanctuary. Our home, the welsh one nearer the bridge. I don't feel like there is any now which is probably why I feel so desperate to build one of my own, for me and my brother. It's just us two now. My words sound very unforgiving but our original blood has gone, and everyone else is getting older-they have their own lives. You just get to a point where you know if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. It's just what happens when your closest thing from birth, dies. They die and you become another self. A stronger one because it is tough shit.

The hardest part of spinning plates is change. It's like the weather now, it's really windy and we are all thinking 'what the fuck!'. We aren't used to it, it's always the hardest part. When it snows, everyone freaks out because it isn't the norm in Britain, where as people experience this everyday in other parts of the world and they just get on with it. And so, we have to adapt. We have to fight against pain that change causes. We fight against wishing for what we had, for what we knew and still know-it just seems like we aren't getting there anymore.

Sometimes there's a danger in being too practical. The practical becomes a distraction. When your energy becomes sad energy, you have to do something with it-otherwise what are you going to do, give up? Giving up seems too scary just in case there is that off chance you feel better, you don't want to cause even more problems for yourself if you do get better-and it all becomes a trap. That circle. So I begin to list. When I feel good, what is happening? What do I do, generally what do I do? What makes me excited and happy like I'm on cake or something?...I mean, if I'm not happy with me then nothing seems worth living for.

Mum had her life in her hands, and what did she do with it? She lived. She saw. She went out. She bought what she liked. She had good food. She enjoyed the people she knew. She loved the people she knew, every one of them. And she always laughed and called me a stupid cow over the phone in her wispy voice. Her texts asking where I was every few more train stops I got closer to her. The unfortunate thing is I think I understand mum more now that she's gone, and I wish I could just have one last conversation with her. Because, she was snatched. But, I have to focus on what I do have now. I have an amazing brother, I'm so proud of him I can't even understand how chilled out he is. Simplicity is a gift. I have an amazing step dad and sister, a new home is home because they are there-and of course the dog and cat. I have amazing family nesting down in Dorset. My grandparents are like my new parents, my Nana is one of my best friends. We dance about in her room wearing vests and pants because we can, we make cake loafs, drink lots of tea and read in lamp lit rooms listening to silence. My granpop, my auntie's and uncle's, my cousins and of course the family who aren't my family but will always be my family. It's a wonderful intertwine. I have new people in my life and past people in my life, and I'm so lucky. It's all there for me to make something with and I choose those people. I choose me and those people. You just have to, because that is you. Everyone makes you you, because they are your love. If there is no love, I'm nothing.

There's one other thing I want, but I can't have him...and I accept that now. He's too big a star for my to hold-i'm not that strong! So what can I do, push away or welcome? I have life in my hands so what do I do with it? Well I live it of course, I try and live it through the pain-but I know it will be all worth it. The moment you get to look back and think, ah, should have taken that opportunity, then you know you have screwed up. My choices make my opportunities, they make my stories and they make my words. That is who I am.