I can't fucking wait for 2012. I really can't. I mean, most people say "omg next year is going to be soooo amazing" and then it turns out to be shit. I was that person last year. So many adventures and so many memories and things to come. To be fair, all the amazingness still happened for me, It was just through a lot of stress!
I'm trying to write beyond the ways that we all have seen already. I think, well isn't that the thing about life, the surprise? Or as you get more aware, the essence of surprise-or lack of it. It's hard to try and describe that in the most un-depressing way, though when you just come to that point when most of your desires in life are those that are un-purchasable. I may as well give up now and just literally write the ramblings of my brain. Literally, yes, I said it. You know when you read about celebrities (urgh I hate that whole concept) and those that take drugs and write songs and e.t.c e.t.c. about getting the right pathway. Well perhaps they get to that stage to at least reveal what they are really thinking. Feeling. at least without the protection side.
I think i've become one of those people that just stares and laughs and carries on. I can't tell whether that's worse or better. At the end of the day all that feeling is just fear. A big suppressed fear amongst all the lovely emotions as well.
I see Kylie minogue sing and I think I wonder whether she's had the 'all clear' this year. Whether she has had her mamogram and the doctor has said "that's ok, don't worry about dying for another 6 months"-because that is what cancer is all about. Death. Dying. Very very slowly. Rotting almost.
As for me and my brother; well I have to take my brother's word from him saying he's simple and not complicated and that he doesn't worry about something until he needs too. Unlike me, well, being a mother instead of a sister is something I'm not quite prepared for. And admittedly I do consider If I took off anywhere, where would my brother end up. He's not the most average 20 year old you would ever meet. I want a home, I want a house. I just want love. You watch films like 'Love Actually' and those BBC dramas made about fairytales and Doctor who stories. You see the hope. The fantastic kind of hope I know some people have missed. You know who you are you fricking jeff-don't think I haven't thought about you today because I have! Ok I'm snacking through chocolate coins, pyjamas and Dawn French on tv with cornish pasty hearts. Michael gorgeous Buble and cats skirting around my feet. I know we weren't right. No Way!! No chance! As If!
I think that's the best part of today. Finally accepting things as they are. Finally looking at things at if it weren't now It would have been some time later today. For me and my bro and everybody else, it's just been something too soon. Though now is some time to gander on. For me and my bro. Some time to look at things for how they are and look at them for what we can make them.
I don't really know what else to say. I'm just quite excited to get on with things. Ok, I might have just fallen in love with Michael Buble and his face and voice...
Distractions over. What I know is I have a lot of love, there is love out there and I want to give it. There are people out there that I want to give it to and I can't wait to show it.
Have a
p.s please tell me about your day too
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