The mum stuff has always had a hold. I get sad, I feel sad, I be sad, I then be around people to replace the loss and bring back hope. With him, it's now anger, and dissapointment in myself. Why did I let myself get so caught up over one person-what an idiot. So much of my happiness was based on him and false hope and hopeless efforts into something which would never ever have been a way to achieve. It was like filling a empty cardboard box and it never got full. Finally I feel done with that limpy limb and love has changed into something else.
I really really need to spend the next couple of days going with my instincts. The most important thing to do is think about mum and have good memories, to try and not be overwhelmed by sadness but full of lovely nice thoughts with all of my family.
And then him. He needs to get out of my head, because all i'm feeling right now is annoyance and why and how could you and how could I and what idiots we are. I don't want to spend my days wallowing over you, not on what I've lost because there was nothing to loose as you have always been as you are, but now it's over what anger and disappointment I feel towards certain views and attitudes of dead ends and lonely life.
My life now is looking on. I have new opportunities in front of me which I have to take, I want to take and share with other people. I should not think of what ifs and waiting for something else. I make my something else, now. My aim to rid the fear and to feel what I know, but what I just now need to believe.
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