Reading this, after everything, I still feel like an idiot for getting upset about things. Alice is dying, and reading her blog really inspires me. I think what I like about it the most are her little extra comments about her mum and dads behaviour, how her mum doesn't seem to like to do 'nothing' and how her dad always works. I'm sure through all of it, they too are trying to keep sane whilst their daughter is dying in front of their eyes. I have my life in front of me now, and when in the right frame of mind I will enjoy it and spend less time stressed. I have to, otherwise that is just life failed it self.
I'm sat up in bed after having a blissful lie in til 9am. I've been waking up at 5.30am this week for work and my routine got into a shunt of falling asleep by 9/10pm every night. But hell I do feel re-charged.
Yesterday myself and Hazal went to sign our lives away for flat payments-I don't know how she has put up with me. Money seems to trigger my stress and I panic and think all is finished, it's because there is just me now to support me. No base to go to if all else fails, because, well, those words aren't entirely true but it's a case of I don't even know where I would want to be if I ran out of money and had to start over again. My instincts would say disappear, travel, I might even go on my own. I remember someone had their boyfriend (now ex) say to them 'One day I make just take off and travel and not tell anyone'. Can you imagine-everyone would think he were dead! In my instincts to travel alone, well, I know there is something in us that gets overwhelmed with our surroundings and we urge to just take off and screw everyone else and how they would feel. I seem to get overwhelmed with my head, and writing this now, I am writing before I take what I need to, keep going I suppose, to help everything seem less scary.
I'm in shock, I know. I'm in shock and don't want to believe it again. It's the start of a year where OMG she's not here. She really isn't. I can't even look at the photos for long on my desk at work because mums face appears with a smile. I feel burning in my eyes now for writing that and I wish I could beat her into life again. I remember her lying on the bed, her plastic hands with my nails digging in, wake up wake up for gods sake just wake up. I hated that oxygen machine. That extra breath which sounded like mum waking. Nope. Just false air.
I hate hospitals now. Well, may be not hate, they bring back strange memories of a time I feel sick and stale. I once walked past one to feel closer to mum, even though the hospital was in London I think I just wanted to find a place I could feel near to her. Perhaps I should create a mum diary- i'm still avoiding her pictures or even talking to her in my head. I must have a blood test soon and I'm avoiding going. I ended up in a hospital several months back after mum died because my friend fainted late at night, low blood pressure-a&e at 10pm with weekday drunks and slow dance doctors. I remember the Nurse manager with skinny jeans and clip clop shoes, it was better to concentrate on what he was doing instead of looking up. Glaring at me like ha ha was a heart monitor and pulse machine. I hate those beeps. I remember the countdown. Ten minutes was all it took. If a person has been stabilised, oxygen tank, heart blocked so there's no blood pumping around to keep warm, drugs like insulin stabbed in to raise levels-that person is just a veg. Robot and cold. It was like a shell was put around my mum just so her body appeared to have colour and once the chemicals stopped, the beeping would start and numbers would fly out of the wall. My nails just pierced harder but nothing came to, except tears and broken hearts and that became the only colour there.
This is disgusting imagery of broken past and tainted future. But we knew it would happen someday. I still can't quite work out what would have been worse, as mum died young and still looking fresh. Her days of suffering could have been dragged out for longer and I know she became impatient with her sit down all day lifestyle. I'm still avoiding the house. I went there last November and felt my most relaxed in a while, though now when I imagine It feels like thorns on my head. I know I will go back, but I'm not ready yet.
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