Filthy Glasses, Filthy Eyes?

It's pretty impressive we have the ability to change our lives, just in the way we are thinking.

It's all in out heads it's all in our heads it's all in our heads.

I'm following a girls blog, Alice, who talks about whether she will still be alive at christmas time because she has been fighting cancer for the last 4 years. She's 15. I'm 7 years older than her and I walk around aimlessly wondering If i'm going to die from heartbreak, why do I get in such a piss about things?!

I keep thinking, what are we all searching for? Do we ever get to that common place where we finally feel chilled. Sometimes I wonder whether life is all about a constant chase. It would seem we are all in need of a place to strive too. A constant chase, but without the chase what would we do? Would we ever anticipate again-would adrenaline exist and would there ever be exhaust?! And then again I go over this in my head, realising that the only thing that creates this is our minds-and it all feels so silly again.

Whether it's overwhelment, whether I need a plan. I understand we all need a purpose in life, i'm sick of saying 'but', so how long can our own personal spirals continue for?

What will happen next? and the next thing and the next thing and the next thing...

Sometimes there are just too many questions, we fight for answers. I know what simply makes me happy yet achieving this in mind seems impossible where as on paper completely attainable. There is a feeling of being incomplete.

With mum, I think I was always in denial. I was always thinking  she would get better and coast along. Now I think at some point she is coming back. I have to tell myself, she's dead, and my mission this week is to organise her photographs into a book of what was...

I suppose we all treat cancer or any illness that someone we love, suffers with, in that way. Of course we would, why would anybody want to think the worst. Assume the worst. Believe the worst. But then, is false hope the biggest killer of all?

I'm pretty sure in the bliss of a walk along the river what my answers are, some perhaps too personal to even write on here. Though, one of them is:

'I can't use you as a safety'

Even though my smudgy glasses I can see that.