You want so much, you have so much but then decide to have so little.
Loss is a very strange thing to get used to. There are certain kinds we adapt to, most of the time when loss is not in our control we find it hard to accept. This time however for myself, when the loss has been put in my hands, strangely I feel like the one worse off. There comes a balance of staying with someone because of love, though when their behaviour makes you ill it's time to let go. You can't go back.
The kick in the teeth amongst it all is, this love was never a fresh start. When the fresh start and opportunities came about, times only got worse. I feel like I've been taken, i'm now an anxious person which has been massively caused by someone I love, loved.
When conversations in how someone is feeling, always come back to having to state how you need to be treated, it can be a little wearing. The most complicated thing which affected the relationship is the fact that his insecurities got the better of both of us-you could say I should have learnt to realise this sooner and made greater effort in realising from the start, however, when love starts in fear you do everything in order to protect the one you love and also yourself from greater damage. Except, when the one you love cries out that they aren't understood, aren't being listened too, aren't being treated with care, then you start to second guess your actions, your natural behaviour in how to treat, think and be around them. Never ever feeling good enough, or that you are doing the right thing, or that saying something may be asking to much, was constant. I do it without even realising. I then realise when it is too late. The thing is with me is, if it comes down to avoiding hurting someone, or for them to feel any pain in little or grander scheme, i will forget about my own desires too.
The argument within this relationship, the one that ended, was that there was a tight argument of selfless selfishness, and being there for the one you love without having to ask for what you need-they should know what you would want. However, I feel that my ex love was so tainted in the desire for love but the desire too strong for loving himself and feeling ok about himself-he lost this deserved love. Me.
I'm so bored of feeling shit by people!! Of course, it's about choice and taking what people say to heart sometimes is a case of whether we are being over sensitive. But when that person has beaten down three other peoples confidence in trying to find security himself, can it be forgiven? I don't think there is anything to forgive, as there was no deliberate intention to hurt. However, we all know ourselves when it's good to be around something, or not. If you are with someone, and keep asking yourself, when you know your behaviour is the same with them as it has been with others in your life, why does this one seem to keep finding problems? Most likely, because you don't have a problem, they do!
I think it is time for action, and time for fun. If when you are having a shit time, my mum died a month ago for christ sake and I now have no parents! When the one you love can't work out what to do for you in a situation like that, and it becomes all about them worrying about what they should do and how to be around you, then it's just too much effort for them. And THAT IS NOT LOVE. They have no idea who I am. A fuck off wonder.
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