I don't think I had the chance

To properly say goodbye.

I mean, looking at photos of you is hard enough. I long to give you a hug.

The strangest part is, it's almost like you are on holiday. You've suddenly taken off and i'm just waiting for you to get back from a long trip. In the reality of it all, I know my hopes aren't going to be met.

I still have your text messages. I still have your things. It's weird because I look at me and see you, i'm a part of you. I wish I had one more day with you, even if we were just sat down in the house doing nothing, I wish I could make you the perfect cup of tea. 

I miss seeing you with the dog. I miss our stupid jokes. I miss your whiney voice moaning on about nothing whilst I sit and nod and smile.

I hate coming back to my flat and not having you to text. Even if it were between the foggy coughs, hearing your voice was still great. It's strange not having the person i've known the closest, gone, already. At least I got to know you a bit better than dad.

What we had was magic. Who knows if anyone else had that kind of bond, perhaps this is why i'm feeling so lost. Although the diagnosis was 6 months ago, you were taken in 12 hours. I feel like I have been robbed, a part of my heart has gone.

These words aren't exactly beautiful or poetic, but only some that can be simply put. I just don't know what to do with myself knowing you are gone, I have placed too many distractions and this is day one of pace-a personal rehab.

I need to concentrate on the simple things, things which make steps clear. I've lost certain parts of me which establish that and so there has been too many adaptions. I can't keep chasing around wondering where they are-I think I need to leave my flat alone, and not be scared to why and what if. I'm tired, but falling asleep is only too easy-I need to challenge myself with the outside world.

I've just had enough.