The second city

I can't work out if I am bored, restless, sad or anxious. There's this force saying 'go home, you don't know what to do with yourself.' But there's also a force saying 'stay out, home is too safe right now'.

And so I've stayed out. I bought a cupcake and when there were no seats at Starbucks I asked to share a table with a complete stranger instead. This would usually horrify me when I'm looking for space of my own, outside of home.

I'm not sure if this is indifference.

I think i'm back on the quest for purpose. Perhaps it has come from seeing a damaged friend in a situation i feel too helpless to be able to change-I mean, it's all in her hands. Sometimes you just can't wrap other people up as much as you care for them and want to build, however fragile they are-they have to do it for themselves so they remember their own self strength too. I guess that is what a mother must feel like. And a Dad.

I think i'm feeling lost in how to enjoy myself today. Usually I know but there seems to be too many things to drag out by myself.

There are 1,000,000 things I can do today-I could choose to do, but they aren't apparent.

As the man I share a table with leaves, I realise he is a vicar.

I think I'm remembering who I was in February this year. A person with glitter, before all the heavy cancer and cuts were made to my life. Time before fear. Time when I remembered magic and that flouncy step which wasn't craze, but instead waves of love. Today is about remembering who I am. A re-assessment without the fear, the stigmas and too much pain.

I've missed that person, I'm sure others have too. The energy. The one who woke up and knew what to do instead of wonder- I was the wonder all along.

I remember now what people were and are to me- I remember what we had. I need to make a product for me beyond the obvious orders-ironing clothes, a tidy room, a tidy house. I need to tidy my mind first!

How do you work out what you want to put out there?

And just like that, I know it is right to go home again. To be in warm inside, and warm outside-all by myself.