The ice is breaking

"Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair. When it comes, it degrades one's self and ultimately eclipses the capacity to give or receive affection. It is the aloneness within us made manifest, and it destroys not only connection to others but also the ability to be peacefully alone with oneself.

Love, though it is no prophylactic against depression, is what cushions the mind and protects it from itself. Medications and psychotherapy can renew that protection, making it easier to love and be loved, and that is why they work. In good spirits, some love themselves and some love others and some love work and some love God: any of these passions can furnish that vital sense of purpose that is the opposite of depression. Love forsakes us from time to time, and we forsake love. In depression, the meaninglessness of every enterprise and every emotion, the meaninglessness of life itself, becomes self-evident. The only feeling left in this loveless state is insignificance," - Andrew Solomon.

Trying

Because ironically, depression is not a solipsistic disease; it is not a self-inflicted gunshot but, rather, a bomb detonated in the middle of a family function or, in my case, a very quiet explosion as I read my second set of vows, as I wondered if it was happening again, as I knew everyone in the room was about to be wiped out by my disease — they just didn’t know it at the time...

Post-major-depression trauma resulting in chronic a-holery. I’m certain I’ve discovered a new wrinkle to the treatment of depression. Because after the storm subsides, after the wolves slink away sated and ready for sleep, after the antidepressants circulate in my blood, blunting the blows, it’s a challenge to look outward again, to remember that it isn’t all about you, to again understand the connection between all people. But I try. I try.

Social 'rules'

1. Talking openly about therapy and anti-depressants.

Because of movies and TV and Woody Allen and my inherent assumption that everyone is as miserable as I am, for a long time I didn’t even know that therapy had a stigma. Most of America is on pills and it’s my belief that even the sanest person could benefit from a check-in with a shrink.

I don’t understand the big deal in admitting that you’re a little groggy because you’re switching up your psych meds. I don’t understand the big deal in quoting something your therapist said — and citing her — if it’s relevant to the conversation. It took me six months to catch on that the eye-blinking, stilted reactions I got from people when I casually referred to therapy as though it were a nail appointment was because it is a thing that other people think is an intimate and momentous admission. To me, dealing with head sickness is not so different from dealing with body sickness. We’re all a little scewed up in our own ways, just like we all have our own little ailments of poor circulation or back pain. So why don’t we talk about it the way we talk about Zicam and Advil? To me, chill openness about being in therapy or on meds reveals not craziness, but a mature interest in self-improvement, and even better, a bold declaration of a lack of shame. At least, that’s what my therapist told me.

I NEED TO GET THESE THOUGHTS OUT OF MY BRAIN!!!

Good yummy thoughts :)

plans plans plans and fuck yous, to all things emotional *insert rolling eyes face*

Even if plans involve sticking BBQ sticks in your hair!

Philosophy

Philosophy- the cure for depression.

Philosophers- are and were the depressed?

"I think you just have to say to yourself, fuck it, if people can't handle it, that's their problem. You still get people who belittle you for talking about depression etc, or who pity you. But so what. What are they doing with their lives?...

Since I've started speaking and writing about my experience of mental illness, a lot of my friends have quietly told me about their experience of depression, or panic attacks, or anxiety, and asked for a recommendation for a therapist or a good self-help book. Their emotional problems can be really scary experiences for them - just as it was for me when I was 18. But I hope it's slightly less scary if such experiences have been somewhat normalised, become more part of our general conversation, if the shame and terror around them has been slightly reduced, and if they know examples of people who have come through such experiences and not been permanently damaged...

He sees social anxiety as an illness of liberalism, without wishing away the society that goes with it. "I would say not that I'm recovered, but recovering," he says. "We're all socially anxious."


It's stuff like this which is helpful for everyone to read over, especially when you have those 'freaking out' days, you end up beating yourself down over.

Frankly Frankie

From the Saturdays

Personal messages

I received a kind message, through facebook the other day. A person complimented my blog, the words which stay with me are:

'I'm sure it brings other people sanity knowing they're not the only one thinking these things'.


So, thank you! It's words like that which are some of the best motivational pieces to receive. Also, I think it just shows that more can be done towards 'safe' places and sactuaries for those that experience mental health and stressful times.

Plus, I hold back so much still when I write. Perhaps it's the kick up the arse to reveal even more. The courage comes from you.

Sticky face

I can't sleep. Waheeyyyy!!! I should get a prize for this, I'm amongst a zillion others in the world who also can't sleep tonight.

Is something going la la la inside your head, and when you close your eyes you see whizzing shapes? If so, you've won a prize!!!

Depending on the prize, at least that would make insomnia fun.

...

I've spoken about this before- to the professionals, and more often than none, the advice is the same:

1. Keep busy.
2. Don't lie in the dark thinking 'for fucks sake I should be asleep and blahh blahh rarr rarr ahhhhh'.
3. Don't eat.
4. Don't exercise.
5. Get off your ass and don't get back in bed until you are super dooper tired again.

OK.

Here's my version.

1. Countlessly tell yourself that you should be asleep, all is fine in the world and those weird things you see at night are probably your brain cells or retinas moving around when you eyes are closed.
2. Don't eat.
3. Drink lots of water.
4. Think about the people you could happily text silly things to, but don't.
5. Think about getting up out of bed, but don't (I'm sure I'll fall asleep in a minute...), except when needing to pee.

Just so you know- if you realllly need the extra establishment... that version never helps. It usually incurs waking up feeling hungover, angry and sick of your tired panda face. The following day usually feels like this:

1. Wake up, screaming 'whyyyyy'
2. Get ready- hot shower a must
3. Shout at everything that goes wrong, or at things you drop on the floor because your hands are shaking
4. Eat your entire body shape in food quantity, drink copious amounts of caffeine to survive the day
5. Feel sorry for yourself, and tell people who give you three of their seconds to hear about it- usually the ones who make 'poor you, but I don't really give a shit' expressions, and then walk off (I'm sure we are all guilty of it- can we blame us?!)

The day is then, at risk of ending in the same vicious circle- because you have had stupid amounts of food and caffeine to survive the day, to avoid that lovely sleepy fuzzy feeling. Symptoms of this incur in a head drop, most commuters witness on the AM train- neck jolts and swivels, when you thought that closing your eyes for 'just a second' wouldn't do any harm. I usually get sleepy all day, until around 5-6pm when I should be winding down, but no- I tend to start waking up again.


Here are some new rules I tried out last November, and they did help.

1. No caffeine after 12pm (so only 1-2 cups per day).
2. Eat light in the evenings (no food baby inducing carb fest).
3. Make sure everything you have to do, is done by 6-7pm (depends if you work regular shifts or not).
4. Exercise- the earlier in the day, the better- even if it's toning moves to pull in front of a mirror.
5. Avoid watching TV/listening to music to 'wind down'. Sometimes it's good to read, e.t.c. in silence.
6. Make your bed a nice place to sleep. Even if it means putting a little chocolate on your pillow at night- make your bed, even if your lazy ass doesn't want to.

Routine helps. Keep at this for 1-2 weeks and stick to a regular bed time- even if you are being poked in the night for fun times, or are called for drinks after work.

STICK TO IT.

You will be a much nicer person after 1-2 weeks of sleep try outs, rather than months of cranky broken sleep patterns.

If, and I've met some, who have suffered from this for years- the most important thing to do during the day to maintain strength and a positive mind, is your food intake.

Wholewheat carbs, bananas (great for potassium!), yogurt, a balance of fruit (probs no more than 3 a day) & veg, and protein (leaner kinds or veggie alternatives). I've read that if you take a shot of espresso and snooze on the train- by the time you have made your commute, the espresso should take affect. I've read somewhere that brazil nuts and black coffee post workout, are good for a protein build- who the jeff knows where I read that (perhaps men's health) but it's worth a try. Nuts, seeds and all that jazz really do help with protein and vitamin intake; a nice way to combine them is with yogurt, oats and honey (for brekkie or a snack).

I would say eating regular is a must, little and often. Breakfast is the exception, where I personally find a big meal doesn't send me to straight to nod. Though, for later in the day, there's nothing like a fat belly full, where all the blood rushes to your stomach to digest, and leads you to nap (for the rest of the day!) and then wake up later between 6-8 pm and think 'oh shit, I should be going to bed now but I've just woken up!'

The above point reminds me, even if you are lucky to work shifts (my work days end at 3pm this week) do not fall asleep until your scheduled bed time. If you break the pattern, it's over.

I'll be up in 5 hours & 15 mins time. In all honestly I haven't got my ass out of bed yet, accept to sit on the edge- I've written instead. I think I'll walk around my room, stretch and try doze again.

Good luuuuuuuuuuuck!!!

Pleasure in vulnerability

I'm sure you are all asking, 'how the hell can she write all of that on here?'

I know why. Because I don't have to open my mouth, and hear my own voice admit what really goes on. I can write the words, skim them back over and be done with it. Hearing the truth, hurts.

Perhaps that's my biggest mistake, that I'm not facing the truth.

'Give the girl a break, she's just trying to have a good time'

'I... Think... I... Can... I Thought I could'

I can already feel it. I feel like the train from Dumbo:

[climbing a hill] I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I... Think... I... Can... I [goes down the other side] Thought I could. I thought I could. I thought I could. Woo-hoo!

I've strived, I've climbed, I've got there- and now I feel the steady thump (contradiction?!) back down.

I. am. so. tired. of. depression.

Just when you think you're getting better, it only takes one day or pangs of thoughts in an hour for you to get back to 'oh shit, fuck, where the hell am I and what is going on?'

In person, I hide it well. Too well. Way too well, and now that has become my own fault, an inhibitor, as such. So what do I do, stay in bed like the evil slump I can be and squalor in misery? Or, carry on (as I've always been told to do)?! At least I've seen the start of a new beginning, I'm just pissed off that a new beginning-something positive, is the trigger for everything to kick back in again and feel helpless and lost.

So bored. so so bored. so angry. fed up. annoyed. and tired of being me.

It's not even like anything is wrong! (well except the dead mum of course). Is that the ultimate trigger?

What is bi polar like? Would it be easier to cope with months of good, and then bad, instead of weeks of bad bad bad one week good then more bad bad bad?... how long for, will I have to take tablets? how long for, is this forever? Is mental illness always going to be a social taboo? Will people always assume you're crazy? Will you forever be distrusted? 

Am I always going to be this tired, this restless, this distracted, this spaced out and distant and cold and warm and so intensely happy for ten minutes, or five, or when i'm on my own? Is the alone, forever?

This time is different. I know all the reasons why I'm not happy. And that part makes me laugh. HA HA. Clearly frustrated, and left feeling trapped after a lovely weekend. Strange, right? A great weekend and I feel trapped. Because it was good? Because good is the unknown compared to struggle, yet everyday is a struggle regardless because that is what depression is. Desire to fix. desire to control. desire to have everything in place. So what now, change? To mix things up a little more.

Just. Fuck.

I'm trying not to run away.