HELLO!

Hi all!

I know my last post claimed a new blog would be coming soon. How soon was 'coming soon'... It's been a while! Sorry to disappoint, I'm still working on the overall concept... which really means I need to sit down and concentrate long enough to put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard on the apple notes app.

Within this time I've been 1. Having lots of lovely social times, 2. making excuses based on getting distracted 3. Putting less pressure on myself, I've finally come to a point where I CAN'T CARRY ON ANY LONGER and I MUST write.

I MISS BLOGGING SO MUCH!

I've let life distract me. I've used far too many excuses. I've had to process a lot of things this year and things are really really looking up!

Something to celebrate, I've been in my job for a year now and it feels soooooo good to have achieved that! Life as a student was painful and adventurous,  now I'm enjoying my independence much more than waiting for that part-time label to go. I love working, I love work, I love the balance of weekends and weekdays (though Queeny could introduce a few more longer weekends :P )

Over all things are good and I must use this energy for writing! I'm sure my cynic is still within, though there are methods to use for this to appeal... wimsical...

I just wanted to say Hi, there are a few more 'a bit hinesy' moments which cannot be wasted away from the fantastic world of blogging. Perhaps I just have too much to say... and lately I've been feeling more like a Giraffe...

I can't wait for a re-design any longer. Words have to begin NOW!

Hi mum!

You smell, of poo! As I'd always say.

Wish you were here now, I could take you out for that bloody good steak I always owed you. Our last London experience together was dinner at Carluccio's where I was given food poisoning- yuck!

Here's some pics of us being stupid in my third year uni house, that night I may have made you roasted peppers which weren't quite roasted enough- crunchy peppers and brown rice (your fave, haa haa...)

You won though, you brought sticky toffee pudding for dessert.

Chow! (forever will I spell that word that way)

your daughter xxx

Some of the great things I've read today

And now I'm ready to start the day and also meet up with a life long friend :)


Have a good bank holiday weekend everyone! BREAKFAST TIME!!!

3. Make your bed — it makes the entire room look cleaner.

4. Write out a list by hand. Google may have invented every list-making tool on the planet, but writing it down commits it to memory — and, contrary to popular belief, not every place has internet.

8. Don’t feel the need to fill gaps of silence with blathering comments. That makes you sound like an idiot.

9. Visit one random blog (or five) a day that makes you happy and gives you the motivation to get through the day. If you like food, go check out photos on Tastespotting. If you like to transport yourself into other people’s heads, visit Pinterest. If you like doing fun activities, visit Soul Pancake. There’s something for everyone.

10. Realize when it’s not working out and move on — apply that to whatever situation you wish.

11. If you feel it, do it. The only thing you will lose is the what-if’s because you didn’t try.

12. Sometimes you need to cry. While crying alone is fine, the best cries seem to come when someone else coaxes them out of you by telling you the truth about a circumstance in your life. The tears come, the weight lifts, and then you can fix it.

13. If you can’t make it to something, be honest and say why. I’d rather hear someone be honest and say “I hate that place,” or “I have no money,” than “Can’t — sorry!”(May be we should work on saying 'actually, I just don't fancy doing that')


15. Get your stuff together the night before. Make sure your clothes are clean, your keys are in your bag, and you have your lunch. More mistakes can be made and items forgotten (and repercussions felt) in the 15-minute rush it takes to get out of the door than in an entire day.

16. One day a week, walk to your destination instead of ride. Guess who just got their exercise in?


17. Curb impulse buying and go grocery shopping once a week. Knowing you have at least a loaf of bread, a box of cereal, a frozen dinner, a dozen eggs, pasta, and a can of soup in your fridge can save you from thinking “What’s for dinner?” and ordering $25 takeout.

23. Slow down. The minute you realize — as clichéd as it is — that life really is a journey and not a marathon, the better off you’ll be.

26. Ask for help. Knowing that someone you trust has your back and is looking out for your best interest creates calm for your brain.

27. Whatever it is, just do it.

amen

'But for now, I realize I am 100% content with being alone, mostly likely because I’ve spent most of my life not alone: I’ve been in back-to-back relationships since I was 13, with only a few weeks or months in between. It’s kind of scary, really. It’s like I started dating and just never stopped, and it only recently occurred to me how insane this was this past New Year’s when I found myself at the club, at midnight, in the middle of a horde of kissing couples, totally and completely single on New Year’s Eve for the first time in ten years. Scary and exhilarating, like I had I had grown a new set of limbs.

what being single by choice has made me realize is that being in a relationship shouldn’t be something you need; it should be something you want. It should come from the desire to share an experience rather than the desire to be completed. You have to feel secure in yourself before you bond with someone else or it won’t work. So, because I still have a lot of work to do on myself before I’m ready to share, I will spare you interested ladies the heartbreak (heh) and remain cheerfully single until then.'

OK

I suppose I am that dick who wants to tell everyone that everything will be ok. Because it has to be, doesn't it? Even if we don't believe it at the time, there's a new side to everything.

I hear ya

A cute blog I follow, on a lady who allowed herself a day :)

'I also discovered I was perfectly content to spend my free day by myself. (Save for an hour or so with two 18 month olds.) I don’t know if it’s my out-of-control anxiety mixed with my already introverted tendencies, but I have no desire to be around people lately. And when I am, I’m very quiet. I am happiest in the silence of my front yard in the mornings, or locked up in my bathroom with a book and a bubble bath at night. I’m trying not to dwell too much on this “I need to be alone” part of my life and I’m just embracing the fact that I need all this down time to let myself sort out my thoughts.'

Fascinating and heartbreaking

North Korea defect.

We all should count ourselves lucky. Stuff like this might make you bitch and moan than necessary.

Chocolate face

Sometimes, it's nice to get up real early, work early and leave.

Come home, crack open a chocolate egg, hot water bottle, bed and a TV show.


I'm spending less time with my headphones now and it's a good thing. It seems there is less noise to block out.




I now have sugar teeth from my 1000 calorie dinner (yes, Easter eggs really are that much). I haven't had a chocolate egg that good in years- probably because I've always bought my own and this one I didn't.

I am so very grateful it was a gift :) Perhaps Easter eggs are just one of those childhood favourite moments of mine. I remember once mum set up an Easter egg hunt in the house. She left notes for my brother and I to find our treats whilst her and dad remained in bed. She even lay bowls and Frosties out on the table for breakfast, I know she'd sneak downstairs before we woke to put out fresh milk.

They always wore dressing gowns and we always wore slippers.

One note said 'Follow your nose' with a picture of a sock drawn on. I even remember walking around the kitchen with my brother, sniffing the air for chocolate (or cheese?) - we kept the washing basket under the counter. For us, it was like Christmas day. Our parents made it magical.

Readership

I think I've figured out why writing on here is so easy- writing about anything, without much hesitation...

The readers are real, but the faces remain annonamous.

Things to do before you are 30...

As I'm receive constant reminders that I'm 'so younggg', here a tribute to all of this age talk:

1. Blame everything on bad luck, poor timing, and a rotten economy. It’s currently your generation which means you have complete license to talk about how screwed you are and how nothing is ever your fault! (guilty. I'm sure I've blamed my defaults on society instead of getting off my ass and doing something about it) Act fast now because by the time you turn 30, the tides will have shifted and you’ll no longer have the luxury to blame all your problems on being in a post grad funk or lack of job opportunities. You’ve had eight years, dammit! (I like this, and it's true.)
   
2. Date someone who most likely hates you. Dating someone who might actually hate you is super chic when you’re just starting to figure things/ yourself out. (Just make sure they have a big dick and occasionally buy you dinner.)
   
3. Cry in Whole Foods. Because life is hard! Life is a $7.00 organic grass-fed glass of Kombucha.
   
4. Read The Secret. And believe it because you are very fragile right now.
   
5. See a shrink (done) and put it on your credit card (Haven't done. Thank you nice work establishment). And tell your therapist things like this: “This one time my mom wouldn’t drive me to Target to buy the new Strokes CD and I think that’s why I have intimacy issues, to be honest. I’ve never told her but I think we both know.”
   
6. Bump your elbow and take three Vicodin in the middle of the afternoon. Because it just hurts so bad honey….
   
7. Scream at someone In Da Club! Point fingers, throw drinks and scream “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!” to a stranger who has done nothing wrong. (Talk to strangers and having some jesty inside joke that lasts the whole night through eye contact, does that count?!)
   
8. Go to places that have a long line, intimidating bouncers, and a list you most definitely aren’t on. Being in your 20s means going to a douchey hip club at least once and doing coke with that chick from The Ring. Trust me.
   
9. Go to Europe (Berlin woo!!). And tell everyone for the next eight years about how it changed your life and how you’re definitely going to move there someday. (So that's why I always feel more chilled when I'm abroad)
   
10. Do something sexually that totally shocks you. So you can have a story to tell at brunch for the next 5 years. (Depends what you view as shocking)
    
11. Deal with an asshole boss. Who is approximately four months younger than you.
    
12. Tell people that you’re in a really good place. (Done)
13. Tell people that you’re in a really bad place. (Done)
14. Tell people that you’re confused as to what place you’re in. (Done)
15. Try to die before you turn 30. Fail miserably. (I don't know whether walking in front of motorbikes or buses counts...)

I NEED TO GET THESE THOUGHTS OUT OF MY BRAIN!!!

Good yummy thoughts :)

plans plans plans and fuck yous, to all things emotional *insert rolling eyes face*

Even if plans involve sticking BBQ sticks in your hair!

Philosophy

Philosophy- the cure for depression.

Philosophers- are and were the depressed?

"I think you just have to say to yourself, fuck it, if people can't handle it, that's their problem. You still get people who belittle you for talking about depression etc, or who pity you. But so what. What are they doing with their lives?...

Since I've started speaking and writing about my experience of mental illness, a lot of my friends have quietly told me about their experience of depression, or panic attacks, or anxiety, and asked for a recommendation for a therapist or a good self-help book. Their emotional problems can be really scary experiences for them - just as it was for me when I was 18. But I hope it's slightly less scary if such experiences have been somewhat normalised, become more part of our general conversation, if the shame and terror around them has been slightly reduced, and if they know examples of people who have come through such experiences and not been permanently damaged...

He sees social anxiety as an illness of liberalism, without wishing away the society that goes with it. "I would say not that I'm recovered, but recovering," he says. "We're all socially anxious."


It's stuff like this which is helpful for everyone to read over, especially when you have those 'freaking out' days, you end up beating yourself down over.

Personal messages

I received a kind message, through facebook the other day. A person complimented my blog, the words which stay with me are:

'I'm sure it brings other people sanity knowing they're not the only one thinking these things'.


So, thank you! It's words like that which are some of the best motivational pieces to receive. Also, I think it just shows that more can be done towards 'safe' places and sactuaries for those that experience mental health and stressful times.

Plus, I hold back so much still when I write. Perhaps it's the kick up the arse to reveal even more. The courage comes from you.

Busy and bullshit

'The fact that you could spend over two days running around with your friends acting foolish, only coming home to change and maybe catch five hours of sleep, is proof that you’re still young. We forget that there will be a point when that will end, when we will have someone else to answer to. Don’t take these kinds of weekends for granted.

On Saturday morning, wake up to a text inviting you to brunch with many of the friends you spent Friday night with. Even though you only got five hours of sleep and feel like hell, you’re running on adrenaline so you go. You leave your apartment and meet them for food and conversation and maybe drinks I guess, who knows, do whatever you feel like. The meal lasts for hours and when you step outside to leave, the sun makes you wince and you realize it’s already almost 4 o’clock. You vaguely recall having stuff to do but you’re not ready to ruin the buzz of the weekend, so you split off with a best friend and go to the park. Lay in the sun, feel your bones become jelly, eat a popsicle. Define leisure. Listen to music and creep on all the babes. Then feel the sun start to go down and begin to pack up.

Make your way to your friend’s apartment to cook dinner. Put your feet out the window and lay in their bed. Contemplate going home after you eat because you need sleep but ultimately decide against it. You know the second you get to your apartment, which will somehow already feel foreign to you, you’ll just start to feel lonely and wish you were still riding the wave of the weekend. Stay out...

the weekend is more about celebrating your friendships and yourself. They’re about detaching yourself from your anxieties and feeling a sense of togetherness. They’re about letting go and being the lovely mess you deserve to be.' (I love that part!)

Aww. So true and funny and queasy American hype.

But it's lovely to read over. Possibly my new favourite writer and website.

"Everything turns to dust"

'They make changes. They stop taking those pills, clutching those drinks, and start deleting those numbers in their phone that might as well be daggers. They take responsibility for themselves.

We can’t blame something on a lack of self-awareness. We’re all aware, which makes it that much harder when we see ourselves making the same mistakes. We often wonder why we do the things we do. But we already know why. Knowing and doing are two different things though...

in the end, I just don’t care enough to make changes. You can’t force yourself to care. You need to reach a point where you DO care which can take a long time.

Being a broken mess is a blast at 19 but once you’re old enough to know better and start to make those necessary changes, returning to that state will feel awful. That’s something to actually mourn. There’s a certain kind of beauty with being reckless with your body and mind. Closing the chapter on that and actively becoming the person you’re going to be feels great but it’s also a tad bittersweet. Sometimes you want to go back to being the person you were before all the bad stuff happened, but you know that’s impossible. So you just bid adieu to that time and look towards your future. (FYI, it looks super bright.)'

For all the people who are older than me, and complain about their age

I want to remember the fear, I want to remember the promise, I want to remember the nights I wanted to curl up in a ball, I want to remember the people I’m not supposed to remember, I want to remember not knowing myself, I want to remember the moment I started to feel safe and like this life I’m leading is really mine. I’m going to be scared, I’m going to bruise my knees and not know how they got there, I’m going to try to fruitlessly forge a connection with someone who won’t ever get it, I’m going to lose the person that means the most to me and find my way back to them. I’m going to be a twentysomething because that’s what I am and all I know how to be.  And you should too. You should love every single moment of this hot mess of a decade. Chances are you’ll miss it before you even get to say “I’m 30".

Make a mark. Make a stain. Make something.  

For the first time in your life you’re the boss.

Medicine

I always wanted to be a Doctor when I was a kid, or a nurse, a psychologist, barmaid...(after watching Eastenders it looked like fun, but was soon put off by my parents, as If I worked in a bar, I'd smell like cigarettes).
It's amazing stories like this, where medicine takes another leap in impressive ways to overcome trauma, which in a way, make me feel like I've missed my chance. My distractive personality probably wouldn't cope with all the studying (though sometimes I do surprise myself with how much information I can quickly absorb), and I want to keep working full time because I love it-I could not cope with being a student again! I watch 'Junior Doctors' on BBC, and after watching them consider what specific role they would like to take, I think I'd be interested in surgery, psychology and probably some other areas I wouldn't know what they were called. I love how being a doctor and nurse is like being a detective. You put together 1000 ideas and come up with a solution. Wham, bam you've got the answer (and hopefully the correct one!).

I guess I shall have to continue reading the facts about biology and forever continue to question Doctors and nurses on all sorts when I have the chance :)

As mum would say 'a kick up the backside'

Recent blog post from Alice.

Makes you want to stop whining about crap!